Emotional Intelligence in Relocation

More and more, external executive hires are failing, and not for the obvious reasons. Some recent research sheds light on what has been previously overlooked in the hiring process.

“Outside hires take twice as long to ramp up as a leader promoted from within. Astoundingly, C-suite executives report that only one out of five executives hired from outside are viewed as high performers at the end of their first year in house. And ultimately, of the 40% of leaders who are hired from outside each year, nearly half fail within the first 18 months. The direct and indirect costs of the failures are staggering, far exceeding the cost of the search that found the executive.” – "For Senior Leaders, Fit Matters More than Skill,” Harvard Business Review.

As an executive relocation coach, my goal is to help the relocation stick and it’s important to understand the facts behind the failures. Steve McKinney, president of McKinney Consulting, Inc., recently shared this info from a three-year study of 5,247 hiring managers from 312 public, private, business and healthcare organizations:

“The study found that 26% of new hires fail because they can’t accept feedback [coachability], 23% because they’re unable to understand and manage emotions [emotional intelligence], 17% because they lack the necessary motivation to excel [motivation], 15% because they have the wrong temperament for the job [temperament], and only 11% because they lack key skills [technical competence.” – “Why New Hires Fail,” McKinney Consulting, Inc.

I agree with the next statement McKinney makes, “The failure of new hires should not be a surprise because hiring managers’ focus very little on the emotional aspect of the candidate. More time is spent on evaluating the technical skills of the candidate.”

23 % is significant. When an executive is worried about the assimilation of his family to the new environment where they moved to support his career, emotional intelligence is a valuable skill to cultivate. Not just in managing his own emotions around the job change, the new team, the new systems, but as said above, in “accurately assessing” the emotions of his family and spouse so that he is available to help.


My job as an executive relocation coach is to help the executive and the spouse of the executive assimilate into their new home and geographic environment. We aim to develop their emotional skills by planning for the issues we can predict, and to build emotional intelligence and resilience to deal with what we cannot predict.

Present Moment Awareness in Relocation

Most of us struggle with living in the present moment. Thoughts of the future or the past tend to occupy more of our mind than they should. If this is a common dynamic in regular activities, can you imagine what it is like during a relocation?

When you are moving from one city to another and one home to another, you are often holding two separate locations in your mind at the same time; you are not fully present in either one. As you are packing your current home, you’re visioning furniture placement in the new one. This is a time when, if you are not careful, you can be really scattered.


The two circles in the Holistic Relo logo (pictured below) signify this dynamic of being in two places at one time – straddling two environments. The arc between the two circles symbolizes the need for a fluid connection to the present moment as you navigate these two worlds.



When working with clients, I remind them to be very mindful of their feet. This may sound overly simplistic, but often in the midst of emotional transitions, we have a tendency to rush. And when we rush, accidents happen.

Being aware of our feet not only helps keep us grounded in the present moment, it helps us remain stable. When driving, it keeps us focused on when to gas and when to brake. All too often I receive a call from a client who has injured themselves or had a minor car accident while in the midst of a move.

If you can maintain a connection with the here and now, it will not only allow you to be more productive, it will help you manage the fast pace. Research has proven that living in the present moment leads to decreased stress levels, lower blood pressure and an overall boost to well-being – all things that are critical for a relocation.

Here are five quick ways to achieve present moment awareness in relocation:

1)   Use your breath – Inhale as you silently say “I am…” Exhale as you silently say “right here.”

2)   Find your feet – Press firmly into your feet and feel the ground beneath them. A yoga pose that is a perfect embodiment of this concept is Tadasana, or Mountion Pose.

3)   Choose your words – When asked how you are doing during the relocation, affirm what you want, not what you do not want. For example, “ There is plenty of time to get everything done. I am living in this moment.”

4)   Notice your environment – In the midst of the packing, organizing, and signing of documents, pause and take in something from nature – look out the window, or listen to the song of a bird. When we are focused only on thoughts of future or past, this kind of activity is invisible.

5)   Be thankful – Express gratitude for something present in your life right now, e.g., the friend who listened compassionately, or the health of your body.

Thich Nhat Hanh states, “Your true home is in the here and the now,” and I believe that no matter how many moments we have left in our current home or how many moments left until we close on the new home, each moment is precious and deserves our full attention.

Moving a Middle Schooler

An experienced relocator, my client Ruth (not her real name) thought move #4 would be easy.

Not so much.

This move contained an element not present before – a middle-school girl. The first three moves took place before her daughter had started kindergarten. That fact negated all prior learnings. In fact, it made this move harder for her than any before, and any since.

What made it especially tragic was that her daughter, let’s call her Jenny, had just hit her stride.  She’d always been a very reserved girl, and it took her over a year to find her group in middle school. Halfway through 6^th grade, she was happy on all levels – had a solid, good circle of friends, a dance studio she loved, was able to babysit neighborhood kids, and was experiencing independence for the first time.

Ruth dreaded sharing the news, and put it off for probably longer than she should, but had to tell Jenny unexpectedly one day right after school. An announcement had been printed in the city paper regarding her Dad’s leaving the local company, and Ruth did not want anyone else telling her.

(In hindsight, Ruth realizes her husband should have come home to be part of this conversation. See this post for more relocation communication tips.)

Ruth counts this day as one of her saddest as a mother. She tried to do it right, choosing the most peaceful room in the house. She asked Jenny to join her there as soon as she came in from school. When she told her that they were moving, Ruth reports literally sensing a part of her daughter’s soul slip out the windows. Ruth herself remembers going numb, not thawing out until roughly a full year after the move.

Jenny, in typical 13-year-old girl fashion, cried and raged and slammed the door so hard that a picture fell off the wall, shattering glass everywhere. Ruth keeps that picture unframed to always remind her to be grateful for how her daughter has grown in independence as a result of the relocations.

Having done this before, Ruth was skilled at creating closure with her friends. Ruth used this experience to do her best to create middle school closure – sleepovers, a special quilt with all the girls pictures in the squares, ice cream, cakes, presents, poems, scrapbooks, videos and more. However, no amount of preparation could prevent the pain that was destined to come.

While she expected her daughter to grieve, she was not prepared for how much significant grieving would take place AFTER the move. Unlike adults, 13 year olds typically live in the moment and don’t have an ability to anticipate what is coming. The only way to get through something like this is to go through it – together.

Saying Goodbye to Your Home

Though a home is not a person, very similar feelings can come up when parting from a place you’ve loved for years. Also, when you are leaving one home and not yet officially in the other, you are in a transition space that can feel very unsettling. Our home is one of the things that keep us grounded.

While you will naturally be engaged in the future thinking process of searching for a new home, cultivate the fine art of present moment awareness while you are closing up your old one.

The temptation to multi-task really increases when selling one home and buying another, yet accidents happen more often when attention is divided. It’s not unusual for people in transition to experience falls or accidents. It’s almost as if your feet are in two homes at one time. I always advise my clients to be especially careful during this time of relocation. Try to slow down and not rush. Try to be fully present. Focus on the here and now. Be particularly aware of your surroundings when you are driving.

It’s also valuable to create closure as you leave your home. Lots of grief can be present that gets ignored if you are not able to stop and feel the feelings. One of my clients taught me the value of releasing and blessing a home with a ritual. Before leaving their home of 10 years, Susan and her husband methodically and intentionally walked through each room. They stopped and spoke out loud all of the good memories they experienced in each room.

Another couple once shared a funny story about leaving a home. The husband was living in another state while the kids and wife stayed behind for the kids to finish school. The husband wondered why the house was sitting on the market for so long (this was years ago, when the housing market was good). It turns out that the family was removing the For Sale sign from the lawn as soon as he headed back to his temporary house after each visit.

While this was a funny “conspiracy” that a family committed together, the truth is that if you really do not want to move, or if you haven’t had sufficient closure, you may sabotage the sale of your house by not releasing it emotionally.

Communication in a Commuter Marriage

When your spouse is living in another city for a period of time, you may find yourself saying farewell on a weekly basis. The first few times can be particularly painful if you are not prepared. You may experience feelings of abandonment and loss that were completely unexpected.

One of my clients, whom I’ll call Joan, found herself utterly shaken one day while she and her husband were driving to the airport for his typical Sunday 5:00 p.m. flight. Though this had been their routine for a few months, something about this day really struck her. The closer they got to the airport, the deeper her sadness became. When they were just a few exits away, she began to cry. Her husband pulled over at the next rest stop, not knowing what to do. She couldn’t explain to him why NOW she was so upset, and for him it was confusing and he felt out of control. Though he offered to skip the flight, Joan said she’d be okay and they continued on.

She told me she’ll never forget the feeling of watching him disappear into the airport that day, travel suitcase in hand. It was the loneliest she’d ever felt.

It can be very helpful to take time to discuss these weekly departures with your spouse/partner so that you avoid last-minute meltdowns. Of course it is perfectly okay and understandable to have an emotional storm come out of the blue, but it may help if you process the grief more deliberately. I recommend creating an informal ritual for saying goodbye each week that you adhere to no matter what.

Some ideas include:

• Handwritten notes tucked into his suitcase or her pillow.


• Some sort of talisman for each partner, e.g., a special rock with a word written on it that symbolizes union or strength.


• A certain quote or phrase that infuses hope, strength and connection, that can be spoken to one another at parting, such as: “Our love and connection crosses state lines.”

Google Hangouts, Skype, cell phones, texting and other tools can all help make weekly goodbyes feel less painful. The goal is to keep these connections thriving across state lines.

The Etiquette of Relocation

The fact is, most of us are ill-equipped to provide comfort to each other during major life changes, whether a death, divorce, miscarriage or infertility. We mean well, but are often clueless. We say all the wrong things at all the wrong times.

For example, here are some of the things you might hear from people when you talk about relocating:

“Oh, I have an uncle in that state you are moving to – he loves it there, you will, too…. Now let me tell you all about the culture, weather and school systems.” (…as they drone on with inane details.)


“OH MY GOSH – you are moving there? Their weather/school system/economy sucks.”

“Aren’t you EXCITED? I’ve always wanted to move.”

“You are so LUCKY! More money and a lower cost of living!”

“The housing market is TERRIBLE right now! Good luck with that.”

“I moved once too, when I was a kid….let me tell you all about it.”

“Take this vitamin/essential oil/herbal remedy – it will help.”

“Oh no, what am I going to do without you?”

“Can I have your furniture/art/etc.?”

These phrases probably sound like nails on a chalkboard to you, when you would rather hear things like:

“What is this like for you?”

“I am sorry you are facing this life change – any change can be a challenge.”

“How can I support you through this process?”

“What can you do to take care of yourself?”

“Can I watch the kids/pets while you go house hunting?”

“I’m here for you.”

If you are inundated with people saying all the wrong things as you go through your move, allow yourself to feel the frustration. Try to believe that the person across from you is doing the best they can to offer support.


My all-time favorite supportive comment came from a dear friend who, having moved herself many times, seemed to truly understand the challenges I was facing. Carol would invite me to envision that she was riding on the dash as I traveled back and forth from old to new location, providing me love and support. Every time I got in the car (and there were many) I felt Carol on the dash, and her support got me through some tough times.

Everyone is Relocating

As a life coach, I’ve come to notice that all of my clients, in fact pretty much everyone in my life, is in the midst of some kind of relocation. Why do some glide through while others fall apart? I’ve noticed that those who relocate with ease do so because of how they choose to approach the transition.

I’ve had clients transition from:

• Full health to a cancer diagnosis


• Employment to unemployment


• Pregnancy to miscarriage


• Marriage to divorce


• Parenthood to empty nesting


• Retirement to a new career


• One state to another, or one country to another

Those that go through these challenging experiences successfully utilize all, or some of these five key concepts:


1) Present moment awareness


Periodically stopping to focus on the breath, or really noticing your surroundings, keeps you rooted in the here and now and mitigates anxiety. A client between jobs took up yoga in order to stay grounded and present.


2) Gratitude


Your energy is immediately lifted when you take time to appreciate all the good in your life, or take time to send gratitude to others. A client experiencing a divorce made it a habit to send one card a day to a friend or loved one, saying that she cared.

3) Mantras or affirmations


Taming the mind is critical during transition, as fear likes to creep in. “I’m led to the perfect people and places,” is one mantra a relocation client used.


4) Supreme self-care


Often the first thing to go during a big life change is your regular self-care routine. A client experiencing cancer amped up her self-care dramatically before chemotherapy began and has put herself first in the midst of the treatment.


5) Allow grieving


Transitions are like a death. You are saying goodbye to one way of life or being, and that can be incredible painful. Even if those around you do not recognize that you are grieving, it’s important to process the feelings. One client went on a retreat after a miscarriage, just to spend time grieving.


Prior to my relocation last year, I gave myself the gift of attending a solo retreat – just me and one practitioner. Though it felt decadent at the time to go away by myself right before a major move, it proved to be the very best thing I could have done. During the retreat, I refueled and replenished. As a result, I found that I had a storehouse of energy to face the boxes, address changes, closing documents, etc. I was also able to fully process my emotions around the move with the help of another coach.

If you know that a big life change is on your horizon, whether it’s a geographic relocation or a life transition, the five concepts above can help. And if you’d like help to create a personalized plan for mindfully moving through your upcoming transition, I'd love to support you.