Moving with Gratitude

A shop owner was sorting through her Thanksgiving wares at the heart of a thriving town.  A breathless woman nearly ran up to her booth, jostling her table filled with fresh turkeys, and began a conversation,

“Hello, I’m relocating to this area at the very worst time – during the holidays.  I’m exhausted and just have no time to make a big Thanksgiving meal, but feel I must.”

The shop owner took a deep breath in, smiled softly, and nodded understandingly.

“I would feel better if I could know a little bit about the people in this town. I can not stop worrying about whether or not I will fit in. What are they like?”

The shop owner asked, “Well, let me ask you a question, what were the people like in the town that you moved from?”

With a sigh, the woman answered, “They were always rushing around, too busy to get to know me or my family very well.  I always felt like they didn’t have time to even stop for a cup of coffee.”

“Hmmm…that’s interesting,” said the shop owner.  I believe you will find the people in this town to be exactly the same way.

The woman walked away with slumped shoulders and a dejected look on her face…..not even taking a moment to wish the shop owner a Happy Thanksgiving.

A while later, another woman slowly approached the shop owners booth, with a broad smile and warm eyes.  After greeting her, she shared that she was brand new to the area, and just wanted to get a sense of the town.

“I’m wondering what the people are like in this town,” she asked.  "I can’t wait to make new friends and connections. Can you tell me a little bit about them?”

“Well, first tell me, what were the people like in your previous town?” asked the shop owner.

With a look of happy nostalgia, the woman replied,  “ Oh they were simply wonderful!  Always willing to help, listen when you needed to be heard and truly great people.”

The shop owner told her that she would find the people in this town to be exactly the same.    And then she offered her a newcomers discount on a turkey of her choice.

Laughing, the woman said, “Oh thank you so much, but I’ve hired someone to cook us a lovely meal in our new home.  The first holiday dinner in a new house should be stress-free and full of love and connection.”

Why Do So Many Corporate Relocations Fail?

The former CEO of Heidrick & Struggles International Inc. placement firm made a startling pronouncement in a recent Financial Times article: “Forty percent of executives hired at the senior level are pushed out, fail, or quit within 18 months.”  To glean this statistic, Kevin Kelly’s firm performed an internal study of 20,000 executive searches.  Other estimates put it at 46% or more who relocate end their new job within 18 months of the move.

The amount spent annually in the U.S. on corporate relocation by Worldwide ERC® member corporation is $9.3 billion. The cost to domestically transfer an employee is nearly $92,000. That’s an enormous amount of money lost for large corporations. For small corporations, it can be devastating.

I have worked with nearly 300 clients as a life coach, and have relocated for my executive husband’s job six times over the past 19 years. I can tell you the secret to a successful executive move: A Happy Spouse.  Enlightened corporations are beginning to see the value of including the spouse more cohesively in the assimilation process.

One of the problems I see is the term used to describe the executive spouse: trailing spouse. While this phrase is mostly used for ex-pats, the concept is loosely linked to executive spouses embarking on domestic moves as well. The picture it paints is anything but positive—like a child reluctantly dragging its toy behind him.

Any spouse carrying the title of “trailing spouse” being dragged behind their wife or husband isn’t going to feel good about it. They need to feel honored, valued and appreciated. They are leaving so much familiarity and comfort behind only to face uncertainty and vulnerability. It’s no wonder they often feel anxiety, grief and depression.

I suggest we replace the term “trailing spouse” with a new and improved version: The Supporting Spouse.

It’s my job at HolisticRelo.com to help The Supporting Spouse transition to their new zip code with peace and acceptance. When corporate relocations start involving companies like Holistic Relo, I predict you will see a reversal of the aforementioned statistic. You’ll start seeing relocations that “stick,” satisfied spouses, and soaring profitability.

Are You Consoling OTHERS - Not Yourself? Don't Lose Yourself in Your Own Move

Often we don’t fully get to express our frustration or sadness around relocating, because we’re consoling those we are leaving - they don’t want to see us go!  One of my clients shared how uncomfortable it was for her to witness the tears of her friends, co-workers and neighbors when she herself was melting down.   Breaking down in the midst of their drama felt just wrong.

Sometimes friends are so caught up with how to manage without us nearby for coffee, a walk or movie out, they forget to consider how we are feeling.  To those left behind, there’s a bit of mystique around going to a new city, buying and decorating a new home….almost as if we are entering into a fairy tale, and like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, just need to click our pretty red shoes twice, and we’re magically transported to the new location.

Are you in the midst of moving and feeling sadness that you’re hesitant to express? As Carl Jung notes, “What you resist, persists.”  Processing your emotions now, helps prevent Post-Traumatic Move Syndrome (PTMS).  I coined this after seeing what happens to my clients when they bury their grief and end up falling apart emotionally after the boxes are unpacked and the family is situated.  I want you to be just as settled inside your emotional self, as your home is on the outside.

Below are some ideas to help you process your emotions:

1)   Journal your feelings and fears about your relocation.  Invest in a beautiful journal that can contain your innermost thoughts.  Or, if you want more privacy, try Penzu.com, a private online diary.

2)   Request the ear of a trusted friend, particularly someone who is familiar with moving or being in transition.  Be specific and share that you’d like some time for it to be “all about you.”  Or join a Virtual Neighborhood, a place to connect with others that have relocated.

3)   Schedule an appointment for the stress relieving modality of your choice – a massage or any other situation that might allow the tears to flow in a safe setting.

4)   Reach out to your spouse or life partner, and voice your innermost feelings around the move.  Make sure to be honest and open about what you need.

5)   Contact me.  I understand what you are going through and would be happy to listen and partner with you.

Trust the process of expressing, it's as important as labeling boxes. We don't want YOU to get lost in the move.