Saying Goodbye to Your Home

Though a home is not a person, very similar feelings can come up when parting from a place you’ve loved for years. Also, when you are leaving one home and not yet officially in the other, you are in a transition space that can feel very unsettling. Our home is one of the things that keep us grounded.

While you will naturally be engaged in the future thinking process of searching for a new home, cultivate the fine art of present moment awareness while you are closing up your old one.

The temptation to multi-task really increases when selling one home and buying another, yet accidents happen more often when attention is divided. It’s not unusual for people in transition to experience falls or accidents. It’s almost as if your feet are in two homes at one time. I always advise my clients to be especially careful during this time of relocation. Try to slow down and not rush. Try to be fully present. Focus on the here and now. Be particularly aware of your surroundings when you are driving.

It’s also valuable to create closure as you leave your home. Lots of grief can be present that gets ignored if you are not able to stop and feel the feelings. One of my clients taught me the value of releasing and blessing a home with a ritual. Before leaving their home of 10 years, Susan and her husband methodically and intentionally walked through each room. They stopped and spoke out loud all of the good memories they experienced in each room.

Another couple once shared a funny story about leaving a home. The husband was living in another state while the kids and wife stayed behind for the kids to finish school. The husband wondered why the house was sitting on the market for so long (this was years ago, when the housing market was good). It turns out that the family was removing the For Sale sign from the lawn as soon as he headed back to his temporary house after each visit.

While this was a funny “conspiracy” that a family committed together, the truth is that if you really do not want to move, or if you haven’t had sufficient closure, you may sabotage the sale of your house by not releasing it emotionally.

Communication in a Commuter Marriage

When your spouse is living in another city for a period of time, you may find yourself saying farewell on a weekly basis. The first few times can be particularly painful if you are not prepared. You may experience feelings of abandonment and loss that were completely unexpected.

One of my clients, whom I’ll call Joan, found herself utterly shaken one day while she and her husband were driving to the airport for his typical Sunday 5:00 p.m. flight. Though this had been their routine for a few months, something about this day really struck her. The closer they got to the airport, the deeper her sadness became. When they were just a few exits away, she began to cry. Her husband pulled over at the next rest stop, not knowing what to do. She couldn’t explain to him why NOW she was so upset, and for him it was confusing and he felt out of control. Though he offered to skip the flight, Joan said she’d be okay and they continued on.

She told me she’ll never forget the feeling of watching him disappear into the airport that day, travel suitcase in hand. It was the loneliest she’d ever felt.

It can be very helpful to take time to discuss these weekly departures with your spouse/partner so that you avoid last-minute meltdowns. Of course it is perfectly okay and understandable to have an emotional storm come out of the blue, but it may help if you process the grief more deliberately. I recommend creating an informal ritual for saying goodbye each week that you adhere to no matter what.

Some ideas include:

• Handwritten notes tucked into his suitcase or her pillow.


• Some sort of talisman for each partner, e.g., a special rock with a word written on it that symbolizes union or strength.


• A certain quote or phrase that infuses hope, strength and connection, that can be spoken to one another at parting, such as: “Our love and connection crosses state lines.”

Google Hangouts, Skype, cell phones, texting and other tools can all help make weekly goodbyes feel less painful. The goal is to keep these connections thriving across state lines.

The Etiquette of Relocation

The fact is, most of us are ill-equipped to provide comfort to each other during major life changes, whether a death, divorce, miscarriage or infertility. We mean well, but are often clueless. We say all the wrong things at all the wrong times.

For example, here are some of the things you might hear from people when you talk about relocating:

“Oh, I have an uncle in that state you are moving to – he loves it there, you will, too…. Now let me tell you all about the culture, weather and school systems.” (…as they drone on with inane details.)


“OH MY GOSH – you are moving there? Their weather/school system/economy sucks.”

“Aren’t you EXCITED? I’ve always wanted to move.”

“You are so LUCKY! More money and a lower cost of living!”

“The housing market is TERRIBLE right now! Good luck with that.”

“I moved once too, when I was a kid….let me tell you all about it.”

“Take this vitamin/essential oil/herbal remedy – it will help.”

“Oh no, what am I going to do without you?”

“Can I have your furniture/art/etc.?”

These phrases probably sound like nails on a chalkboard to you, when you would rather hear things like:

“What is this like for you?”

“I am sorry you are facing this life change – any change can be a challenge.”

“How can I support you through this process?”

“What can you do to take care of yourself?”

“Can I watch the kids/pets while you go house hunting?”

“I’m here for you.”

If you are inundated with people saying all the wrong things as you go through your move, allow yourself to feel the frustration. Try to believe that the person across from you is doing the best they can to offer support.


My all-time favorite supportive comment came from a dear friend who, having moved herself many times, seemed to truly understand the challenges I was facing. Carol would invite me to envision that she was riding on the dash as I traveled back and forth from old to new location, providing me love and support. Every time I got in the car (and there were many) I felt Carol on the dash, and her support got me through some tough times.

Everyone is Relocating

As a life coach, I’ve come to notice that all of my clients, in fact pretty much everyone in my life, is in the midst of some kind of relocation. Why do some glide through while others fall apart? I’ve noticed that those who relocate with ease do so because of how they choose to approach the transition.

I’ve had clients transition from:

• Full health to a cancer diagnosis


• Employment to unemployment


• Pregnancy to miscarriage


• Marriage to divorce


• Parenthood to empty nesting


• Retirement to a new career


• One state to another, or one country to another

Those that go through these challenging experiences successfully utilize all, or some of these five key concepts:


1) Present moment awareness


Periodically stopping to focus on the breath, or really noticing your surroundings, keeps you rooted in the here and now and mitigates anxiety. A client between jobs took up yoga in order to stay grounded and present.


2) Gratitude


Your energy is immediately lifted when you take time to appreciate all the good in your life, or take time to send gratitude to others. A client experiencing a divorce made it a habit to send one card a day to a friend or loved one, saying that she cared.

3) Mantras or affirmations


Taming the mind is critical during transition, as fear likes to creep in. “I’m led to the perfect people and places,” is one mantra a relocation client used.


4) Supreme self-care


Often the first thing to go during a big life change is your regular self-care routine. A client experiencing cancer amped up her self-care dramatically before chemotherapy began and has put herself first in the midst of the treatment.


5) Allow grieving


Transitions are like a death. You are saying goodbye to one way of life or being, and that can be incredible painful. Even if those around you do not recognize that you are grieving, it’s important to process the feelings. One client went on a retreat after a miscarriage, just to spend time grieving.


Prior to my relocation last year, I gave myself the gift of attending a solo retreat – just me and one practitioner. Though it felt decadent at the time to go away by myself right before a major move, it proved to be the very best thing I could have done. During the retreat, I refueled and replenished. As a result, I found that I had a storehouse of energy to face the boxes, address changes, closing documents, etc. I was also able to fully process my emotions around the move with the help of another coach.

If you know that a big life change is on your horizon, whether it’s a geographic relocation or a life transition, the five concepts above can help. And if you’d like help to create a personalized plan for mindfully moving through your upcoming transition, I'd love to support you.