Talking About Relocation With Your Spouse

When you’re experiencing any concern or distress about an upcoming relocation, your partner is the one person with whom you should really be able to communicate. He is likely experiencing many of the same fears and is living the situation with you, and should be your main supporter. However, if communication in your household has never been great, you’ll want to try to cultivate this skill quickly in order to experience a smooth transition.

To ensure effective communication, I recommend scheduling conversations to cover specific topics about the move. Scheduling is important because these dialogues need to be valued in a way that a casual conversation is not. When we make time to create a calendar event, it elevates the conversation in a few ways: It shows each partner that the activity (in this case, the conversation) is as valuable as any other life event; it increases the chances that you’ll both show up and be on time; and it helps you value the meeting as much as a business appointment.

The location of your pointed conversations is important. If possible, choose a neutral space, signifying that your needs in this situation are equally important. The executive’s first day in the boardroom is as important as the spouse who is responsible for arranging the first day of kindergarten.

You may wish to ritualize the experience even further by using a touchstone like a favorite family symbol, picture, or a candle. One of my clients chose a red heart rock because to her that represented stability, safety and love. It was also something she kept right on her kitchen counter to remind her of her connection with her husband.

You may wish to create an agenda in advance that allows you and your partner to really hear one another. Now more than ever, you’ll need to clearly understand and honor each other’s needs.

Here are a few questions to get you started:

1. What are we each feeling the most right now regarding the relocation (e.g., excitement, dread, anticipation, overwhelm, ill-equipped, fear, sadness, happiness, pride)?


2. What do we need right now in order to stay connected in our marriage/partnership?


3. What does the family need right now in order to stay connected?


4. What are each of our top concerns and how can we support each other in getting those needs met? For example, I want to stay balanced and continue my workout schedule; you want to eat well and you want us to stay connected via texting while you’re looking at new homes and I’m packing up here.


5. What self-care practices will ensure you feel balanced and less stressed? How can I help you accomplish them?


6. What kind of ritual or system might we want to put in place for when we need to say goodbye for a week or more at a time (e.g., a couple who will be living apart while the kids finish school)?

Create your own agenda or list of questions, and draft it in advance so that each of you feel your needs are respected. Fully allow each person to share and ask if they feel complete in what they’ve shared.

Emma’s husband accepted a job overseas and they lived apart for four long months, with a 16-hour plane ride between them. With the time zone difference, they had to be very creative and consistent in the way that they communicated. No matter how exhausted Emma was at the end of each day (and as a mother of four, she had reason to be tired!), she sat down every night and wrote to him. It reminded her that they were going through this separation for a reason, and it made her feel connected.

She said one of the main benefits of the writing was that they each shared appreciation for what the other was going through – though there wasn’t a FIX, the fact that they communicated in this way kept her afloat during the separation. She’d share little stories about the kids, and he often thanked her for all that she was doing in his absence. It was a very positive experience and they saved all those emails. He even sent roses, which meant the world to her.

In my experience, the couples that take the time to communicate effectively have easier moves and are better able to get their personal and collective family needs met.

Relocation Depression

Even experienced relocators can find themselves sinking into a depression. Judy, an executive’s wife who had already moved five times to support her husband’s career, fell into a deep depression on move number six. Many things contributed to her depression, including moving to a brand new climate that she hated, downsizing from a large home to a condo, leaving her kids behind in their colleges, and leaving a teaching job she had taken years to perfect.

She was normally a highly motivated individual who prided herself in motivating others – so when she was having trouble leaving her house, she felt she had no one to turn to. Her husband had never seen this side of her, and though he was a tremendous supporter, he was unable to help her on his own.

After lying on the sofa for nine months, gaining 40 pounds and crying so hard and often her face peeled from the salt of her tears, she reached out to find a therapist. Therapy helped her get back on her feet and put support systems in place and she’s in a much better place now.

Twenty years later, I asked Judy her advice for another young woman going through a similar experience. She recommended telling others about your depression as quickly as you can so they can help you, even if that means making your therapy appointment for you.

Judy’s situation was truly extreme and quite rare. However, her advice to keep communication fluid will help prevent a similar situation and address relocation depression in all its forms.

If you find yourself hesitant to reach out, try putting yourself in the shoes of your supporters. When someone you love is having a difficult time, don’t you appreciate the opportunity to help?