Moving with Gratitude

A shop owner was sorting through her Thanksgiving wares at the heart of a thriving town.  A breathless woman nearly ran up to her booth, jostling her table filled with fresh turkeys, and began a conversation,

“Hello, I’m relocating to this area at the very worst time – during the holidays.  I’m exhausted and just have no time to make a big Thanksgiving meal, but feel I must.”

The shop owner took a deep breath in, smiled softly, and nodded understandingly.

“I would feel better if I could know a little bit about the people in this town. I can not stop worrying about whether or not I will fit in. What are they like?”

The shop owner asked, “Well, let me ask you a question, what were the people like in the town that you moved from?”

With a sigh, the woman answered, “They were always rushing around, too busy to get to know me or my family very well.  I always felt like they didn’t have time to even stop for a cup of coffee.”

“Hmmm…that’s interesting,” said the shop owner.  I believe you will find the people in this town to be exactly the same way.

The woman walked away with slumped shoulders and a dejected look on her face…..not even taking a moment to wish the shop owner a Happy Thanksgiving.

A while later, another woman slowly approached the shop owners booth, with a broad smile and warm eyes.  After greeting her, she shared that she was brand new to the area, and just wanted to get a sense of the town.

“I’m wondering what the people are like in this town,” she asked.  "I can’t wait to make new friends and connections. Can you tell me a little bit about them?”

“Well, first tell me, what were the people like in your previous town?” asked the shop owner.

With a look of happy nostalgia, the woman replied,  “ Oh they were simply wonderful!  Always willing to help, listen when you needed to be heard and truly great people.”

The shop owner told her that she would find the people in this town to be exactly the same.    And then she offered her a newcomers discount on a turkey of her choice.

Laughing, the woman said, “Oh thank you so much, but I’ve hired someone to cook us a lovely meal in our new home.  The first holiday dinner in a new house should be stress-free and full of love and connection.”

Why Do So Many Corporate Relocations Fail?

The former CEO of Heidrick & Struggles International Inc. placement firm made a startling pronouncement in a recent Financial Times article: “Forty percent of executives hired at the senior level are pushed out, fail, or quit within 18 months.”  To glean this statistic, Kevin Kelly’s firm performed an internal study of 20,000 executive searches.  Other estimates put it at 46% or more who relocate end their new job within 18 months of the move.

The amount spent annually in the U.S. on corporate relocation by Worldwide ERC® member corporation is $9.3 billion. The cost to domestically transfer an employee is nearly $92,000. That’s an enormous amount of money lost for large corporations. For small corporations, it can be devastating.

I have worked with nearly 300 clients as a life coach, and have relocated for my executive husband’s job six times over the past 19 years. I can tell you the secret to a successful executive move: A Happy Spouse.  Enlightened corporations are beginning to see the value of including the spouse more cohesively in the assimilation process.

One of the problems I see is the term used to describe the executive spouse: trailing spouse. While this phrase is mostly used for ex-pats, the concept is loosely linked to executive spouses embarking on domestic moves as well. The picture it paints is anything but positive—like a child reluctantly dragging its toy behind him.

Any spouse carrying the title of “trailing spouse” being dragged behind their wife or husband isn’t going to feel good about it. They need to feel honored, valued and appreciated. They are leaving so much familiarity and comfort behind only to face uncertainty and vulnerability. It’s no wonder they often feel anxiety, grief and depression.

I suggest we replace the term “trailing spouse” with a new and improved version: The Supporting Spouse.

It’s my job at HolisticRelo.com to help The Supporting Spouse transition to their new zip code with peace and acceptance. When corporate relocations start involving companies like Holistic Relo, I predict you will see a reversal of the aforementioned statistic. You’ll start seeing relocations that “stick,” satisfied spouses, and soaring profitability.

Are You Consoling OTHERS - Not Yourself? Don't Lose Yourself in Your Own Move

Often we don’t fully get to express our frustration or sadness around relocating, because we’re consoling those we are leaving - they don’t want to see us go!  One of my clients shared how uncomfortable it was for her to witness the tears of her friends, co-workers and neighbors when she herself was melting down.   Breaking down in the midst of their drama felt just wrong.

Sometimes friends are so caught up with how to manage without us nearby for coffee, a walk or movie out, they forget to consider how we are feeling.  To those left behind, there’s a bit of mystique around going to a new city, buying and decorating a new home….almost as if we are entering into a fairy tale, and like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, just need to click our pretty red shoes twice, and we’re magically transported to the new location.

Are you in the midst of moving and feeling sadness that you’re hesitant to express? As Carl Jung notes, “What you resist, persists.”  Processing your emotions now, helps prevent Post-Traumatic Move Syndrome (PTMS).  I coined this after seeing what happens to my clients when they bury their grief and end up falling apart emotionally after the boxes are unpacked and the family is situated.  I want you to be just as settled inside your emotional self, as your home is on the outside.

Below are some ideas to help you process your emotions:

1)   Journal your feelings and fears about your relocation.  Invest in a beautiful journal that can contain your innermost thoughts.  Or, if you want more privacy, try Penzu.com, a private online diary.

2)   Request the ear of a trusted friend, particularly someone who is familiar with moving or being in transition.  Be specific and share that you’d like some time for it to be “all about you.”  Or join a Virtual Neighborhood, a place to connect with others that have relocated.

3)   Schedule an appointment for the stress relieving modality of your choice – a massage or any other situation that might allow the tears to flow in a safe setting.

4)   Reach out to your spouse or life partner, and voice your innermost feelings around the move.  Make sure to be honest and open about what you need.

5)   Contact me.  I understand what you are going through and would be happy to listen and partner with you.

Trust the process of expressing, it's as important as labeling boxes. We don't want YOU to get lost in the move.

As a Relocating Spouse, Do You feel Like a Ghost?

Gwen feels invisible. She’s a client of mine (not her real name, of course) – who shared with me that this Halloween is particularly painful.  When I asked her what she’d wear to represent her current state of mind, she replied, “A ghost costume.”

Her kids will be trick-or-treating for the last time in their beloved neighborhood of 10 years, and she’s doing her best to make sure this final one is memorable.  Preparations for the family’s impending relocation make this a very hectic holiday, but she’s determined to keep all the plates spinning.

Gwen's husband feels right at home in his new company, he's been through a few board meetings now, and is navigating the office complex with ease.  His support system is firmly in place.

She trusts that their kids will adjust to their new schools in a short period of time – in fact, they’ve already made a few Facebook friends there.

Gwen, however, hasn’t taken any time to ensure her own smooth assimilation.  She’s managing new insurance plans, gathering paperwork for mortgages, pulling together vaccine records for the kid’s schools; in short, her to-do list feels endless.

In our coaching sessions, I encourage Gwen to put herself on the calendar.  Together, we identify what she can do right now that will keep her in balance.  This includes her unique self-care routine, as well as setting up her own support system in the new location.

It’s incredibly important for the executive spouse to till the soil of her internal landscape, rather than to solely be focusing on the external.

If you’re also spending your last Halloween in your longtime neighborhood before your big move, I hope these suggestions ease your pain and remind you of the importance of your own self-care.

Asking for Help

A common trait among those relocating is stoicism.  Sometimes, like a new mom, we resist asking for help – thinking, “I can do this on my own.  I don’t want to show weakness.”  Often we remain quiet, hiding the pain felt around the upcoming move.  Yes, we may be receiving support from the new company, but no part of “all expenses paid” can cover emotional losses. If you are in the midst of a relocation, identify your true needs, reach out and ASK.

If you have never been comfortable with the dynamic of asking, what I am about to suggest may seem like a huge challenge.  I’m going to invite you to flex your “receiving” muscle.

As Amanda Owen shares, “those who have a difficult time receiving, tend to attract people who have trouble giving.”  Directly asking for what you need from your friends and family members is a gift not just to you, but to them as well.   People generally love to help out, but often don’t know how without your specific guidance.

For instance, consider requesting things like:

• Can you watch the kids while my husband and I go house hunting?

• Can you stay overnight to care for the dog while I am away?

• Can you bring me a salad (or something healthy)  for dinner?

• Can you promise to keep in touch by sending me cards and emails when I am in my new location?  That’s better than a going-away party.

• Can you remind me to take good care of myself during this relocation? 

Take some time now to create a “wish list” of things you’d like to receive during this hectic time.  And don’t forget to reach out and ASK.

Relocation Readiness Quiz

Are You Ready for Your Corporate Relocation? Take My Quiz and Find Out!

New mothers get casseroles, balloons, books and endless offers of support.  Graduates get parties, presents and words of advice.  The ways we celebrate and acknowledge major life events are wide and varied.  People in most life transitions get consistent help, recognition, sympathy and a host of other good things showered upon them. Plus, most major life transitions are expected--like having 9 months to prepare for a baby—and planned for well in advance.

However, it’s not the same with moving.  At least not when it comes to corporate relocations.  Often you are thrown into a move without any advance notice.  And unlike pregnancy - you and your partner are usually apart for a period of time, exactly when you need to be together.  Each of you has to manage your fears, frustrations, and extra workload all alone. You are birthing a whole new home, in a brand new environment, and there’s little or no resources out there for you to help manage your internal terrain – your feelings of fear, doubt, anxiety and grieving. While you may receive a going away card or party, it pales in comparison to the kind of support you receive in other life transitions.

It’s easy to blame those around us for being unsupportive, but often we set ourselves up to be neglected during a move.  Why?  Because most of us relocating fail to see how personally challenging it can be.  As a result, we don’t take the time to plan well for it, we don’t communicate our fears, and we don’t ask for help.  Like any major life transition, if it is unplanned, unsupported and unconscious, it’s likely to turn chaotic.

So why don’t we take this seriously and plan accordingly?  Sometimes it’s because we’ve never moved before. Perhaps there’s no one around us that has, so we don’t have anyone to advise us.  Again, this is unlike childbirth, which is an event that many people experience.  If this is your first move, and the first move of anyone in your immediate family / friends circle, then you don’t have the guidance you need. You are forced to find the way through on your own.

1.     How many times have you relocated?

a.     Never

b.     Just a few times

c.     I’ve lost count, I’ve relocated so many times

2.     What is your experience with relocation?

a.     Never relocated before

b.     It was okay, not great

c.     It was seamless, an easy and happy transition

3.     If you’ve relocated before, how long did it take for it to feel like home?

a.     Never relocated before

b.     1-3 years

c.     Less than one year

4.     How do you usually handle a major change?

a.     It throws me into a tailspin

b.     Once I figure it out, it’s okay

c.     I love change and roll through it with ease

5.     How are you at saying goodbyes?

a.     I try to slip out of a city or situation without any fuss

b.     It makes me uncomfortable, so I let others initiate

c.     I understand the importance of closure and do it well

6.     How do you make decisions?

a.     I get stressed and become indecisive

b.     I ask other people to make them for me

c.     I methodically investigate options and choose confidently

7.     During times of crisis, how is your self-care (exercise, nutrition, sleep, etc.)?

a.     It falls apart

b.     It’s about the same

c.     It’s even better because I know it’s imperative

8.     Have you gone through a geographic separation as a couple?

a.     We are joined at the hip and rarely do anything apart

b.     We’ve traveled separately a bit

c.     We’ve lived apart before due to a job transition or other reason

9.     How is your communication as a couple?

a.     Not good – we don’t seem to be able to understand each other’s needs

b.     Average – when we need to be serious, we can

c.     Excellent – we understand each other’s needs

10.   How is your support system?

a.     What support system? I do everything myself

b.     I have a few close friends and family members

c.     I’m surrounded by a wide net of support people

Scoring:

Give yourself: 

3 points for each “a”
 2 points for each “b” 
 1 point for each “c”

20 – 30 points: That sounds rough! You will definitely benefit from the support and strategies outlined in this book.

15-19 points: You might be okay on your own, but if you want to hit the ground running in your new location, you’ll want to implement the strategies in this book.

10-14 points: You are a rock star and should have a very successful relocation. If you want to cement that success, be sure to apply the steps list.