Communication in a Commuter Marriage

When your spouse is living in another city for a period of time, you may find yourself saying farewell on a weekly basis. The first few times can be particularly painful if you are not prepared. You may experience feelings of abandonment and loss that were completely unexpected.

One of my clients, whom I’ll call Joan, found herself utterly shaken one day while she and her husband were driving to the airport for his typical Sunday 5:00 p.m. flight. Though this had been their routine for a few months, something about this day really struck her. The closer they got to the airport, the deeper her sadness became. When they were just a few exits away, she began to cry. Her husband pulled over at the next rest stop, not knowing what to do. She couldn’t explain to him why NOW she was so upset, and for him it was confusing and he felt out of control. Though he offered to skip the flight, Joan said she’d be okay and they continued on.

She told me she’ll never forget the feeling of watching him disappear into the airport that day, travel suitcase in hand. It was the loneliest she’d ever felt.

It can be very helpful to take time to discuss these weekly departures with your spouse/partner so that you avoid last-minute meltdowns. Of course it is perfectly okay and understandable to have an emotional storm come out of the blue, but it may help if you process the grief more deliberately. I recommend creating an informal ritual for saying goodbye each week that you adhere to no matter what.

Some ideas include:

• Handwritten notes tucked into his suitcase or her pillow.


• Some sort of talisman for each partner, e.g., a special rock with a word written on it that symbolizes union or strength.


• A certain quote or phrase that infuses hope, strength and connection, that can be spoken to one another at parting, such as: “Our love and connection crosses state lines.”

Google Hangouts, Skype, cell phones, texting and other tools can all help make weekly goodbyes feel less painful. The goal is to keep these connections thriving across state lines.