All Grieving is Not Created Equal

Dee Bailey, MA, CPCC, Life Transition & Grief Coach, guides and mentors people experiencing grief. She has an illuminating model that she created as a part of her master’s degree work that breaks down the many kinds of grieving.

There are four quadrants, where in the upper left quadrant there is Chosen/Elected Change, in the upper right quadrant there is Visible Change, in the bottom left quadrant there is Not Chosen Change, and the bottom right quadrant there is Invisible Change.

CHOSEN / ELECTED CHANGE	VISIBLE CHANGE
NOT CHOSEN CHANGE	INVISIBLE CHANGE

Dee explained that how we support people who are grieving can vary greatly, depending on where the loss falls in one of more of these quadrants.

Losses that we did not choose, and which are visible and obvious e.g., a death, a job loss, or a spouse asking for divorce, are much easier for others to relate to and support.

When you lose a spouse to an illness or accident, that is a situation that you did not choose and it is very visible. This unplanned, visible event elicits much support from everyone. There are entire books on the topic, Hallmark cards specially designed for this, support groups and more.

In contrast, if we quit a job or leave a relationship, support is often lessened because others may feel the situation is our own doing.

When an executive family makes the conscious choice to relocate (usually for a better opportunity), that falls under the category of invisible loss. It’s the dynamic of choice that changes the reactions of others to the experience. That’s when the grief becomes invisible too. There’s not much sympathy for a loss that you chose.

Dee facilitates grief support groups, and once had a request from a woman who had relocated to join her group. “We moved here because my husband accepted a new position. I’m grieving leaving my home and all my friends out East. No one here understands or supports me. I have no one to share my journey with – no one gets that I’m grieving. “

Good support is a critical factor in healing from losses of any kind, but it’s difficult to grieve losses that cannot be shared. If you are feeling lost in your new community as a result of your relocation, your grief is just as real. Consider finding a local grief support group and get the help you deserve.

Balancing the CEO Family

Some would say there’s a lot of ego and dysfunction in the corporate world, especially among those at high levels. One of my life passions – the reason I do what I do with executive relocation coaching – is to provide a healthy, confidential and structured space for relocating families to process all of the emotions that arise during the transition.

Holistic Relo helps them slow down amidst the race of finding a new home, new schools, new doctors, etc., so that what matters (connection with family, life balance, self-care) doesn’t get lost in the move and never get found again.

Serial relocations can led to permanent disconnections from what really matters in life; the focus can shift to titles and promotions versus relationships and life balance. It’s all too easy to for an imbalance to occur within the individuals and within a marriage.

For example, the first time I met with Gail, the wife of a CEO, she expressed concern about her son’s opinion of her. She was convinced that he didn’t value her role in the family unit, pretty sure that he thought her husband, his dad, contributed more heavily to the family and perhaps even to the world, then she did. “He doesn’t get me,” she said, “he doesn’t value what I do.” Gail generously gave of her time and heart to many organizations in a volunteer capacity and she imagined her son devalued it all.

It took some time and coaching to uncover that the sad truth was that Gail also didn’t value herself and her role in the family and in the marriage. She viewed her husband’s large paycheck as “his” and not a shared accomplishment.

Part of the relocation coaching process involves taking a look at a couple’s communication style and frequency. When I met with Gail and her husband Jeff, we discovered a real lack of understanding on each side.

What the coaching process allowed Gail to access was how incredibly valuable she was to her husband, her son and the world. What an incredibly strong woman she was. Managing three relocations with two small children, virtually on her own (her husband went on ahead each time to begin the new position), allowed her husband to readily accept these new jobs and succeed at higher and higher levels. While he focused on professional performance, she maintained life balance at home.  A simple reset of the shared contributions to the family really helped.

While it took time to fully accept the promotion, embracing the CEO within herself allowed Gail to equally weigh her role to that of her husband’s. The coaching process and tools, and a willingness to dedicate time to use them, opened their eyes in new ways and rebalanced their family.

A Relocation State of Mind

An astonishing 35.9 million U.S. residents relocated between 2012 and 2013, according to U.S. Census Bureau reports. That’s 11.7 percent of all Americans!

United Van Lines' Annual Migration Study tracks the states its customers move to and from during the course of the year. After four straight years as runner-up, in 2013 Oregon finally made it to the winner’s circle as the top moving destination of 2013. And after 16 consecutive years as one of the top states people left, Michigan now shows much more balanced numbers.

As interesting as these statistics may be as you compare your own moves (for example, I just moved out of the #2 most-exited state in the country – Illinois), these external results are not what I’m most concerned with.

As Audrey McCollum found while doing research for her one-of-a-kind book, The Trauma of Moving, “Moving was viewed from the exterior. There seemed a dearth of material exploring moving from the interior; that is, moving as subjectively experienced by the mover while it was being lived.”

Since moving is such an emotional experience, it’s important for those who are relocated to feel justified in their grief or stressful feelings. Just because our culture has not yet given credence to this dynamic, does not make it unimportant.

In my own upcoming book, We’re Moving Where? Hit the Ground Running in the Board Room and Family Room, I am striving to educate on topics beyond moving and geography.

As I look at the migration study results, I wonder how many of these moves were a conscious choice, versus a corporate relocation that dictated your new zip code with no input from you. If you’ve had to move to a state you didn’t embrace, my congratulations to you for making it through and finding a way to call it home.

Moving In

The top inbound states of 2013 were:

1. Oregon


2. South Carolina


3. North Carolina


4. District of Columbia


5. South Dakota


6. Nevada


7. Texas


8. Colorado

Moving Out 

The top outbound states for 2013 were:

1. New Jersey


2. Illinois


3. New York


4. West Virginia


5. Connecticut


6. Utah


7. Kentucky


8. Massachusetts


9. New Mexico