Holiday Relocation Sustainability

The desire to be sustainable is on everyone’s mind. And yet, if you are moving during the month of December, perhaps sustainability is the last thing you are thinking about.

Even if you are relocating this month, consider the concept of inner sustainability, because accomplishing this will add, not subtract, from the peace of the season.

We are each our own ecosystem - a mini planet of sorts - and there are easy things that we can do to improve our own sustainability and care for the planet in an energetic, not literal way. Here are some ideas:

• Breathe. Breathing fully from the belly decreases stress, increases brain function and helps you to become more mindful.

• Be still. Stillness and mindfulness foster connectedness, and from this place we realize that all of our actions and choices affect others.

• Be kind to yourself. Being violent to yourself (running around chaotically this season, skipping your body movement and eating things that do not make you feel good) creates tiny ripples of violence that radiate out. Nonviolence and self-care ripple outward in a much more positive way, encircling our planet with peace.

Sustainability doesn't have to be relegated to engineers. It actually can live right beneath our noses with something as simple as the breath. Start with you.

Home for the H.O.L.I.D.A.Y.S

If you are moving over the holidays, you may consider paying closer attention to what is going on inside of you, rather than external decorations. You will have plenty of time to decorate for future holidays in your home.

You may not feel one bit at home this holiday season if you have just relocated to a new zip code. What if you focused more on sprucing up your true home, which is your body and your emotional well-being? Beautiful mums, holiday lights, and packages become irrelevant if you are empty inside.

As Jim Rohn says, "Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live."

Every holiday season I challenge myself and my clients to focus more on our self-care than on anything else during this time. Here's an acronym for the word H.O.L.I.D.A.Y.S that may will help keep YOU at the top of your shopping list:

Honor Your Body. Treat your emotional and physical self like the most delicate of packages.

Only Say Yes to what you want to do. Is this the year you decline the cookie exchange party?

Let it Go. Once you've said no, let it go.

Internal Landscape. Pay at least as much attention to what you are thinking, feeling and believing on the inside, as you do to the string of lights on the outside.

Deep Breathing. This is a gift that is always available to be unwrapped - it lives right under your nose and has a tremendous ability to calm your nervous system.

Accept Help. It's a gift for others to support you. Say yes to offers.

You. Put your name on your gift list. At the TOP.

Slow down. Affirm that there is plenty of time.


Remember that you are really always HOME for the holidays - because you take yourself with you wherever you go.

Top 5 Reasons Yoga Helps During Relocation

Did you know?

• More than 20 million people practice yoga in the U.S. (according to Yoga Journal)

• 35.9 million U.S. residents – that 11.7 percent of all Americans – relocated between 2012 and 2013 (according to U.S. Census Bureau reports)

I wonder how many of those 35.9 million overlap with the 20 million? Those who do practice yoga during a relocation – or any big life transition – can count on these five major benefits:

1) Increased immune health. It’s no surprise that during a major move, it’s easy to end up with some kind of illness. Many studies have shown that those practicing yoga were healthier than a control group. Yoga poses stimulate the circulatory, digestive, nervous and endocrine systems, and all of these keep the immune system healthy.

2) Sounder sleep. When you have a million things on your do-list, from packing to finding new schools for the kids, it’s challenging to shut your mind off and fall asleep. Yoga poses, especially spinal twists, calm the nervous system, while meditation and breath work help mitigate stress. All of these help you to experience a good night’s sleep.

3) Better balance. Moving means a lot of lifting, often juggling (literally and figuratively) many things at one time. Practicing balancing poses on the mat help you to negotiate that stray box you didn’t see in your path and land on your feet, not your bottom.

4) Mindful eating. Pizza and other fast food choices often top the list during the hectic times of relocation. Regular yoga enhances the mind-body connection so that you become more aware of which foods nourish you versus harm you. Eating well throughout your move will help you arrive in your new location feeling energized not depleted.

5) Calm communication. Let’s face it, when you are managing many people at once in the old and new locations, things can get hectic and effective communication often goes out the window. Performing yoga quiets the mind, and this leads to clearer communication.

So many things can be out of your control during times of relocation. One thing you can control is the home that you carries you around 24/7 – your body, nervous system and mind.

Even if you don’t have a serious yoga practice or have never tried yoga before, you can reach out to a local studio or hire an instructor to teach you some simple poses to help you through.

You deserve to feel at home all the time, no matter what phase of the move you are in. Stopping to breathe mindfully and drop into a few gentle yoga poses is as important as packing that next box.

Temporary Housing Can Feel Like Home

If you need to stay in temporary housing while you are in between homes for your corporate relocation, you may feel like you don’t have much control over your situation. Luckily, there are many ways you can make a temporary stay feel like home right from the start.

I’m all about helping families feel as comfy as possible all throughout the move, and not put off their comfort until the last box is unpacked in the new home. Instead, I encourage people in relocation with the motto, “Make every moment as good as it can be!”

Here are some of the items my clients and I have used to cozy up our living spaces while waiting for a home to close. It would be worth your while to ship a few boxes of these treasured items ahead of time. That way, as soon as you arrive you can immediately surround yourself with your own unique items from home.

Decorations

• Framed photos of your family members, friends and pets; artwork from the kids; greeting cards from your spouse, friends, etc.


• Small throw rugs


• Plants from the local grocery store, which will detoxify the air and beautify the space; living things are always nourishing


• Fresh cut flowers


• A bright, colorful fruit bowl

Creature comforts

• Everyone’s favorite sheets and other bed coverings like pillowcases, quilts and mattress pads


• Your own towels


• Essential kitchen tools (for me, this is the power blender for my green smoothies in the morning)


• Journal and/or motivational or entertaining books for your nightstand

Scents

Essential oils or smells from a favorite candle can instantly change your mood. As well, fill your home with familiar cooking smells – if you had a Sunday night crockpot tradition, continue that. Though it’s tempting to eat out, especially if you have an expense account, remember the value of taking good care of your body during this stressful time.

I recently met with Carly McClure of BridgeStreet, and learned about their “serviced” (furnished) apartments – a refreshing alternative to the traditional extended stay hotel experience. With a simple phone call to your relocation advisor, you can request a BridgeStreet location and gain access to the nicest corporate temporary housing space I have ever seen. It was obvious from my conversation with Carly that everyone at BridgeStreet are committed to making their guests feel as comfortable as possible. Visit www.bridgestreet.com to learn more.

How to Tell the Kids You Are Moving

When we go through any major life transition, our kids are watching us. In truth, everyone is watching us, but our children are the ones we are most responsible to for modeling healthy – not toxic – responses to life events.

In a previous blog post, I discussed the value of waiting before you announce a move. This way you’ll be able to integrate the reality and process your own emotions before dealing with other people’s responses and opinions.

This may not always be practical or possible when it comes to your kids, but at least take time to create a mindful and positive way for you and your spouse to tell your kids about the impending change.

Here are a few principles to keep in mind when designing your communication plan:

1) Talk about what you are visioning for, not what you are afraid of, e.g., “We look forward to creating a new community, while still staying in touch with our friends and family here.”

2) Allow plenty of time for the kids to process their emotions, which may include fear and sadness. Use open-ended questions, e.g., “What are you feeling about the upcoming move?”

3) Be truthful about your emotions, too. Let them see that fear and doubt are normal, but share that you want to remain in a positive space, e.g., “When any of us are feeling sad, angry or scared, let’s promise to be open and honest about it and talk it over.”

4) Create a family theme that represents how you want to remain throughout the move, e.g., trusting, patient, or connected.

5) Schedule family meetings at least once a week to discuss not only the logistics of the move, but the emotions that are present.

6) Coach your kids on how to share the news with their friends. Offer to help them craft a script to respond to questions, e.g., “Yes, we are moving and though I have some fear, I mostly feel excited about my new house and friends. Let’s plan how we can stay connected.”

No one knows the unique needs or communication style of your family better than you do. Use these examples as a guideline as you set the intention to maintain communication – and be sure to talk about emotions, not just paint colors.

Embrace the CEO Title During Relocation

A traditional leadership coach is someone who helps others sharpen their leadership skills in the corporate or entrepreneurial world. That is not my mission. I help my clients to become the CEOs of their relocations, empowering them to give themselves that promotion during this critical time of transition.

In my experience, most of us have somehow sublimated our CEO title – given our power over to someone or something else. It saddens me when I can clearly hear that a person has been demoted – or put on severance – not by a company, but by themselves.

I most often see people demote themselves during times of major life transitions like a relocation, a health challenge, a job loss or change, a relationship status change, or any other disruptive life events. During times of transition, fear and resistance to the unknown can begin to dominate, and we lose our power.

So how can we avoid losing our CEO title during the many relocations  in our life? How do we trust that there is no candidate better than ourselves to lead us through? How can we remember that we are the single most qualified one to lead our life?

One helpful tool is to create a powerful vision statement that outlines how you intend to run the company of YOU during this relocation. Then you must communicate that clearly to your support system of family, friends and acquaintances, who are in essence a part of your company.

Like a CEO, you respectfully require that your community understand and follow your vision statement so that the company of YOU thrives throughout this transition and you do not lose your job.

Your vision statement and request might sound something like this: “I am in the midst of moving from one area to another, and am very optimistic about the ultimate outcome. I need you to hold this vision with me and remind me when I forget.”

Your ultimate goal is to maintain your leadership role and avoid being forced into a severance package in your own life.  Don't allow yourself to get lost in the move.

How to Talk About Job Loss

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.  In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

~ Viktor E. Frankl

                               

It was 3:00 p.m. on a Wednesday. The garage door opened. The baby was still napping, and the sound startled Jan – so much so that she thought there may be an intruder. The perceived intruder was her husband, who after 10 years as a VP at a fortune 50 company, arrived home with only a pencil cup. This is a true story that happened to one of my clients.  Since that job termination, he has left and rejoined two other companies.

Just last week, another client experienced a similar situation. She was leaving her regular Thursday morning fitness class and there was her husband in the parking lot. Her first thought was that he was there to tell her someone had died. No one had, but after 20 years at the same company, Bob had left with a minimal severance package.

In a way someone had died in both of these stories. Certainly a part of both men – their professional identity.

I have heard many more stories of job losses and how the news is delivered and taken. If you’ve never gone through this before as a spouse or life partner, and even if you have, it can be shocking. Though the experience is not happening to you, the feeling of being out of control can be almost worse than if it had happened to you.

When I have the opportunity to speak with my clients after the “stimulus” (the initial shocking news) and before the response, I can invite them into the “pause” that Viktor Frankl is referencing above.

Remain in the pause before sharing the news.

Often our natural instinct after hearing any kind of bad news is to rush to the ear of the nearest loved one or friend. However, if we open up during this very vulnerable shell-shocked time, we are often going to sink into negativity, anger, sadness and other dark emotions.

It is very empowering to allow the reality of a termination (of any kind, really) to incubate before sharing. This incubation period allows you to integrate the experience and move from a place of fear to trust.

Though you do need to process your emotions, I suggest choosing ONE trusted confidante. The goal is for you speak your deepest fears about the job loss to a wise supporter who will listen, not problem solve, and be 100% there for you.

Be careful when sharing with the kids.

Your children will notice right away that their father is not at work, so keeping silent will likely make it worse. This is an opportunity for you and your spouse to get clear about how to mindfully deliver the job loss news in a way that helps and does not harm. I will have suggestions for this in an upcoming blog post.

Start to envision a positive outcome.

You’ll know you have integrated the news and processed your emotions when you are able to begin to see the gifts of the job loss, and maybe even laugh a little. You might at this point want to begin creating a vision of the ideal position you or your spouse would like to attract and how you want to “be” in the midst of the transition. Being without a job after working 50 hour work weeks for decades can create anxiety and confusion.

When you do chose to share with everyone in your contact sphere, be really clear about what kinds of responses would help you manage through the transition, and what they can do to help you remain positive.

While the family may be collecting severance pay, make sure not to sever the part of you that is positive about what the future holds.

Networking in a New Zipcode

When your spouse or life partner has been relocated by a corporation, and yet you are an entrepreneur or small business owner, it can be challenging to find your new network.  One phenomenal resource for small business owners is BNI.  I've found membership in this business networking organization to be pivotal for my business.

The article below, published in SuccessNet Online™, highlights my experience.

When You Move, Don't Leave Behind BNI

If you are looking for ways to create an instant community in your new zipcode, consider seeking out a BNIchapter near you.

Relocating As An Empty Nester

Moving with children who need to change school systems and leave community groups like soccer, band and dance, can cause major angst in the family.

For example, one of my clients shared that her 8^th grade son spent several months eating his lunch in the bathroom when their family moved from one state to another. He didn’t tell her this until many years later, and as she told it to me I could hear the tears and guilt behind her words – even though this young man is now 30 years old.


When you have no children, or your children are fully grown, out of the home, and not involved in the move, you won’t have to be concerned about whether the kids will make friends in the new school system or be quarterback on the new football team.


However, you’ll have different challenges. Many families create their communities from their children. When attending sports games, band concerts or school events, friendships among parents start as quickly as among children. So without children, it can take longer to create a support system in a new location.


I’ve gathered some advice from empty nesting relocators to make it easier to assimilate into your new location:

1)   Get involved a local charity like a food bank

2)   Start a book club

3)   Enroll in a class at a local college

4)   Learn something new like yoga or biking

5)   Take good care of you by beginning a new self-care program

6)   Nourish your marriage by getting involved in activities you could not do if kids were around

7)   Travel with friends


Relocating as an empty nester, or for those without children, presents its own unique challenges. Take these steps to build a new supportive community where you and your partner can thrive.

Top 10 Gifts of Relocation

Sarah has moved eight times in her adult life. When we sat down to talk she had just completed what she thinks will be her final move – this time as an empty nester.

Though she has owned homes all over the country, Sarah confirmed that any move is somewhat traumatic – even if you’re just moving across town. However, what I call PTMS (post-traumatic move syndrome) is not a part of her story. In fact, she has 10 positive things to report about her nomadic lifestyle.

1)   Reinvention – Sarah calls herself inherently shy, but cultivated a much stronger personality as a result of her moves.

2)   Forward motion – In the midst of a move, there’s no time for lamenting.

3)   Strength of family unit – “We had to have each other’s back,” Sarah shared. They didn’t have a grandma or aunt down the street to could call on. As a result, this deepened the bond of their family unit.

4)   Increased resourcefulness – She learned how to create communities instantly and make connections with key members of the school systems.

5)   More openness to other cultures – Her kids got to see a bigger world than they ever would have experienced had they remained in their small town.

6)   College assimilation – For both her kids, going away to college was a breeze. They had already developed skills that other kids often don’t. They didn’t experience the stress and discomfort that so many freshman do.

7)  Good self-care – Since she had no close relatives, she couldn’t afford to not take care of herself. She is proud of her ability to practice this skill and recognize its value.

8)   Wide job experience – She loved being employed by many different companies, as she enjoys the challenge of learning new things. Her resume is full and varied.

9)   Self-reliance – Without what she calls “ the security blanket of friends,” she needed to get comfortable going to movies and museums by herself. This has been a great experience in independence for her.

10)  Deeper faith - Though she always had a strong connection to her faith, she drew upon it even more and said she never felt alone, even if she didn't know her neighbors.  Her prayer practice increased.

In a future post, I’ll write more about the unique challenges and benefits about moving as an empty nester.

A Recommended Relocation Resource

When a family goes through a relocation, there are many services to help. Moving companies. Real estate agents. Mortgage brokers. Each entity is skilled in their area of expertise and all are needed.

I recently had the opportunity to visit the team at NRI Relocation – a company that is truly dedicated to making the relocation experience for their clients very smooth and easy. The purpose of our time together was for me to learn more about what they do and for them to more fully understand the emotional needs of a family as they relocate.

I could see that the entire NRI team had the same desire – to help their clients go through this challenging time by feeling supported and empowered. Each person on staff greeted me warmly and enthusiastically and were very interested in learning all they could about what I offer so that they could serve their clients more fully.

The camaraderie between all was what really struck me. They clearly supported one another in achieving their common goal. I could tell right away that they handled their clients with that same focused warmth and attention. Though they are a full service corporate relocation management company serving U.S. domestic and globally transferred employees, one of their main philosophies is that relocation is all about people. Therefore their clients are treated with special attention – no details are missed. Yes, they want to maximize the ROI of their clients’ relocation program investment – but most of all, they care.

Here is one my favorite quotes they share that represents their philosophy:

“A successful relocation is one in which the employee remains focused and stress-free, and can pick up their new job responsibilities quickly and efficiently. Incorporating meaningful relocation benefits with responsive, personalized assistance and expert resources ensure transferring employees will feel good about their decisions, happy about their move, and valued as an employee.”

After meeting this team, I can honestly say that they walk their talk and would be an asset to anyone seeking relocation assistance.

Click below to watch a video interview with me and Susan Bender, CEO of NRI Relocation, as she seeks to learn more about the relocation experience of the executive spouse. Our conversation speaks volumes about this company’s dedication to serve not just the relocating employee but the spouse as well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwMUpwAmA94

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Relocation

Relocating executives commonly want to support and help their spouse during a move. They realize they’ve created this situation, and they want to give her what she needs to thrive and prosper in their new location.

To help you help her, let’s look at this situation through the lens of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Maslow’s theory is that basic needs must be met before one can address needs at a higher level. During a relocation, one’s most basic needs like shelter are feeling threatened.

All too often, once the closing papers are signed, the expectation is that the first level of the pyramid is satisfied. Though the threat is not real (there IS a new home to move into, she is warm enough, and she has food and water), there can be an irrational fear of feeling like nowhere is home. Of feeling displaced.

If not addressed, this fear can impact her ability to move forward and ever feel at home and safe in the new location. Remember that she may not always be aware that these needs are feeling threatened – it’s up to you to be communicative and proactively check in with questions about how she is feeling – not just inquires about tactile moving issues. If you notice that she seems especially depressed, scattered, angry or withdrawn, take time to communicate.

To help alleviate her fears, it’s important to honor and recognize the feeling of not being safe and encourage her to talk through it. Suggest ideas to make the temporary housing or new home feel like “home.”

Once basic needs are met, and only then, your spouse and family can comfortably begin to experience psychological health and achieve assimilation in the new neighborhood. Ultimately, the goal is to be in the new zip code and begin to experience true fulfillment – the pinnacle of Maslow’s model.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. At Holistic Relo I use a similar 5-step process to help families understand the psychological ramifications of relocation.

All Grieving is Not Created Equal

Dee Bailey, MA, CPCC, Life Transition & Grief Coach, guides and mentors people experiencing grief. She has an illuminating model that she created as a part of her master’s degree work that breaks down the many kinds of grieving.

There are four quadrants, where in the upper left quadrant there is Chosen/Elected Change, in the upper right quadrant there is Visible Change, in the bottom left quadrant there is Not Chosen Change, and the bottom right quadrant there is Invisible Change.

CHOSEN / ELECTED CHANGE	VISIBLE CHANGE
NOT CHOSEN CHANGE	INVISIBLE CHANGE

Dee explained that how we support people who are grieving can vary greatly, depending on where the loss falls in one of more of these quadrants.

Losses that we did not choose, and which are visible and obvious e.g., a death, a job loss, or a spouse asking for divorce, are much easier for others to relate to and support.

When you lose a spouse to an illness or accident, that is a situation that you did not choose and it is very visible. This unplanned, visible event elicits much support from everyone. There are entire books on the topic, Hallmark cards specially designed for this, support groups and more.

In contrast, if we quit a job or leave a relationship, support is often lessened because others may feel the situation is our own doing.

When an executive family makes the conscious choice to relocate (usually for a better opportunity), that falls under the category of invisible loss. It’s the dynamic of choice that changes the reactions of others to the experience. That’s when the grief becomes invisible too. There’s not much sympathy for a loss that you chose.

Dee facilitates grief support groups, and once had a request from a woman who had relocated to join her group. “We moved here because my husband accepted a new position. I’m grieving leaving my home and all my friends out East. No one here understands or supports me. I have no one to share my journey with – no one gets that I’m grieving. “

Good support is a critical factor in healing from losses of any kind, but it’s difficult to grieve losses that cannot be shared. If you are feeling lost in your new community as a result of your relocation, your grief is just as real. Consider finding a local grief support group and get the help you deserve.

Balancing the CEO Family

Some would say there’s a lot of ego and dysfunction in the corporate world, especially among those at high levels. One of my life passions – the reason I do what I do with executive relocation coaching – is to provide a healthy, confidential and structured space for relocating families to process all of the emotions that arise during the transition.

Holistic Relo helps them slow down amidst the race of finding a new home, new schools, new doctors, etc., so that what matters (connection with family, life balance, self-care) doesn’t get lost in the move and never get found again.

Serial relocations can led to permanent disconnections from what really matters in life; the focus can shift to titles and promotions versus relationships and life balance. It’s all too easy to for an imbalance to occur within the individuals and within a marriage.

For example, the first time I met with Gail, the wife of a CEO, she expressed concern about her son’s opinion of her. She was convinced that he didn’t value her role in the family unit, pretty sure that he thought her husband, his dad, contributed more heavily to the family and perhaps even to the world, then she did. “He doesn’t get me,” she said, “he doesn’t value what I do.” Gail generously gave of her time and heart to many organizations in a volunteer capacity and she imagined her son devalued it all.

It took some time and coaching to uncover that the sad truth was that Gail also didn’t value herself and her role in the family and in the marriage. She viewed her husband’s large paycheck as “his” and not a shared accomplishment.

Part of the relocation coaching process involves taking a look at a couple’s communication style and frequency. When I met with Gail and her husband Jeff, we discovered a real lack of understanding on each side.

What the coaching process allowed Gail to access was how incredibly valuable she was to her husband, her son and the world. What an incredibly strong woman she was. Managing three relocations with two small children, virtually on her own (her husband went on ahead each time to begin the new position), allowed her husband to readily accept these new jobs and succeed at higher and higher levels. While he focused on professional performance, she maintained life balance at home.  A simple reset of the shared contributions to the family really helped.

While it took time to fully accept the promotion, embracing the CEO within herself allowed Gail to equally weigh her role to that of her husband’s. The coaching process and tools, and a willingness to dedicate time to use them, opened their eyes in new ways and rebalanced their family.

A Relocation State of Mind

An astonishing 35.9 million U.S. residents relocated between 2012 and 2013, according to U.S. Census Bureau reports. That’s 11.7 percent of all Americans!

United Van Lines' Annual Migration Study tracks the states its customers move to and from during the course of the year. After four straight years as runner-up, in 2013 Oregon finally made it to the winner’s circle as the top moving destination of 2013. And after 16 consecutive years as one of the top states people left, Michigan now shows much more balanced numbers.

As interesting as these statistics may be as you compare your own moves (for example, I just moved out of the #2 most-exited state in the country – Illinois), these external results are not what I’m most concerned with.

As Audrey McCollum found while doing research for her one-of-a-kind book, The Trauma of Moving, “Moving was viewed from the exterior. There seemed a dearth of material exploring moving from the interior; that is, moving as subjectively experienced by the mover while it was being lived.”

Since moving is such an emotional experience, it’s important for those who are relocated to feel justified in their grief or stressful feelings. Just because our culture has not yet given credence to this dynamic, does not make it unimportant.

In my own upcoming book, We’re Moving Where? Hit the Ground Running in the Board Room and Family Room, I am striving to educate on topics beyond moving and geography.

As I look at the migration study results, I wonder how many of these moves were a conscious choice, versus a corporate relocation that dictated your new zip code with no input from you. If you’ve had to move to a state you didn’t embrace, my congratulations to you for making it through and finding a way to call it home.

Moving In

The top inbound states of 2013 were:

1. Oregon


2. South Carolina


3. North Carolina


4. District of Columbia


5. South Dakota


6. Nevada


7. Texas


8. Colorado

Moving Out 

The top outbound states for 2013 were:

1. New Jersey


2. Illinois


3. New York


4. West Virginia


5. Connecticut


6. Utah


7. Kentucky


8. Massachusetts


9. New Mexico

Emotional Intelligence in Relocation

More and more, external executive hires are failing, and not for the obvious reasons. Some recent research sheds light on what has been previously overlooked in the hiring process.

“Outside hires take twice as long to ramp up as a leader promoted from within. Astoundingly, C-suite executives report that only one out of five executives hired from outside are viewed as high performers at the end of their first year in house. And ultimately, of the 40% of leaders who are hired from outside each year, nearly half fail within the first 18 months. The direct and indirect costs of the failures are staggering, far exceeding the cost of the search that found the executive.” – "For Senior Leaders, Fit Matters More than Skill,” Harvard Business Review.

As an executive relocation coach, my goal is to help the relocation stick and it’s important to understand the facts behind the failures. Steve McKinney, president of McKinney Consulting, Inc., recently shared this info from a three-year study of 5,247 hiring managers from 312 public, private, business and healthcare organizations:

“The study found that 26% of new hires fail because they can’t accept feedback [coachability], 23% because they’re unable to understand and manage emotions [emotional intelligence], 17% because they lack the necessary motivation to excel [motivation], 15% because they have the wrong temperament for the job [temperament], and only 11% because they lack key skills [technical competence.” – “Why New Hires Fail,” McKinney Consulting, Inc.

I agree with the next statement McKinney makes, “The failure of new hires should not be a surprise because hiring managers’ focus very little on the emotional aspect of the candidate. More time is spent on evaluating the technical skills of the candidate.”

23 % is significant. When an executive is worried about the assimilation of his family to the new environment where they moved to support his career, emotional intelligence is a valuable skill to cultivate. Not just in managing his own emotions around the job change, the new team, the new systems, but as said above, in “accurately assessing” the emotions of his family and spouse so that he is available to help.


My job as an executive relocation coach is to help the executive and the spouse of the executive assimilate into their new home and geographic environment. We aim to develop their emotional skills by planning for the issues we can predict, and to build emotional intelligence and resilience to deal with what we cannot predict.

Present Moment Awareness in Relocation

Most of us struggle with living in the present moment. Thoughts of the future or the past tend to occupy more of our mind than they should. If this is a common dynamic in regular activities, can you imagine what it is like during a relocation?

When you are moving from one city to another and one home to another, you are often holding two separate locations in your mind at the same time; you are not fully present in either one. As you are packing your current home, you’re visioning furniture placement in the new one. This is a time when, if you are not careful, you can be really scattered.


The two circles in the Holistic Relo logo (pictured below) signify this dynamic of being in two places at one time – straddling two environments. The arc between the two circles symbolizes the need for a fluid connection to the present moment as you navigate these two worlds.



When working with clients, I remind them to be very mindful of their feet. This may sound overly simplistic, but often in the midst of emotional transitions, we have a tendency to rush. And when we rush, accidents happen.

Being aware of our feet not only helps keep us grounded in the present moment, it helps us remain stable. When driving, it keeps us focused on when to gas and when to brake. All too often I receive a call from a client who has injured themselves or had a minor car accident while in the midst of a move.

If you can maintain a connection with the here and now, it will not only allow you to be more productive, it will help you manage the fast pace. Research has proven that living in the present moment leads to decreased stress levels, lower blood pressure and an overall boost to well-being – all things that are critical for a relocation.

Here are five quick ways to achieve present moment awareness in relocation:

1)   Use your breath – Inhale as you silently say “I am…” Exhale as you silently say “right here.”

2)   Find your feet – Press firmly into your feet and feel the ground beneath them. A yoga pose that is a perfect embodiment of this concept is Tadasana, or Mountion Pose.

3)   Choose your words – When asked how you are doing during the relocation, affirm what you want, not what you do not want. For example, “ There is plenty of time to get everything done. I am living in this moment.”

4)   Notice your environment – In the midst of the packing, organizing, and signing of documents, pause and take in something from nature – look out the window, or listen to the song of a bird. When we are focused only on thoughts of future or past, this kind of activity is invisible.

5)   Be thankful – Express gratitude for something present in your life right now, e.g., the friend who listened compassionately, or the health of your body.

Thich Nhat Hanh states, “Your true home is in the here and the now,” and I believe that no matter how many moments we have left in our current home or how many moments left until we close on the new home, each moment is precious and deserves our full attention.

Moving a Middle Schooler

An experienced relocator, my client Ruth (not her real name) thought move #4 would be easy.

Not so much.

This move contained an element not present before – a middle-school girl. The first three moves took place before her daughter had started kindergarten. That fact negated all prior learnings. In fact, it made this move harder for her than any before, and any since.

What made it especially tragic was that her daughter, let’s call her Jenny, had just hit her stride.  She’d always been a very reserved girl, and it took her over a year to find her group in middle school. Halfway through 6^th grade, she was happy on all levels – had a solid, good circle of friends, a dance studio she loved, was able to babysit neighborhood kids, and was experiencing independence for the first time.

Ruth dreaded sharing the news, and put it off for probably longer than she should, but had to tell Jenny unexpectedly one day right after school. An announcement had been printed in the city paper regarding her Dad’s leaving the local company, and Ruth did not want anyone else telling her.

(In hindsight, Ruth realizes her husband should have come home to be part of this conversation. See this post for more relocation communication tips.)

Ruth counts this day as one of her saddest as a mother. She tried to do it right, choosing the most peaceful room in the house. She asked Jenny to join her there as soon as she came in from school. When she told her that they were moving, Ruth reports literally sensing a part of her daughter’s soul slip out the windows. Ruth herself remembers going numb, not thawing out until roughly a full year after the move.

Jenny, in typical 13-year-old girl fashion, cried and raged and slammed the door so hard that a picture fell off the wall, shattering glass everywhere. Ruth keeps that picture unframed to always remind her to be grateful for how her daughter has grown in independence as a result of the relocations.

Having done this before, Ruth was skilled at creating closure with her friends. Ruth used this experience to do her best to create middle school closure – sleepovers, a special quilt with all the girls pictures in the squares, ice cream, cakes, presents, poems, scrapbooks, videos and more. However, no amount of preparation could prevent the pain that was destined to come.

While she expected her daughter to grieve, she was not prepared for how much significant grieving would take place AFTER the move. Unlike adults, 13 year olds typically live in the moment and don’t have an ability to anticipate what is coming. The only way to get through something like this is to go through it – together.

Saying Goodbye to Your Home

Though a home is not a person, very similar feelings can come up when parting from a place you’ve loved for years. Also, when you are leaving one home and not yet officially in the other, you are in a transition space that can feel very unsettling. Our home is one of the things that keep us grounded.

While you will naturally be engaged in the future thinking process of searching for a new home, cultivate the fine art of present moment awareness while you are closing up your old one.

The temptation to multi-task really increases when selling one home and buying another, yet accidents happen more often when attention is divided. It’s not unusual for people in transition to experience falls or accidents. It’s almost as if your feet are in two homes at one time. I always advise my clients to be especially careful during this time of relocation. Try to slow down and not rush. Try to be fully present. Focus on the here and now. Be particularly aware of your surroundings when you are driving.

It’s also valuable to create closure as you leave your home. Lots of grief can be present that gets ignored if you are not able to stop and feel the feelings. One of my clients taught me the value of releasing and blessing a home with a ritual. Before leaving their home of 10 years, Susan and her husband methodically and intentionally walked through each room. They stopped and spoke out loud all of the good memories they experienced in each room.

Another couple once shared a funny story about leaving a home. The husband was living in another state while the kids and wife stayed behind for the kids to finish school. The husband wondered why the house was sitting on the market for so long (this was years ago, when the housing market was good). It turns out that the family was removing the For Sale sign from the lawn as soon as he headed back to his temporary house after each visit.

While this was a funny “conspiracy” that a family committed together, the truth is that if you really do not want to move, or if you haven’t had sufficient closure, you may sabotage the sale of your house by not releasing it emotionally.

Communication in a Commuter Marriage

When your spouse is living in another city for a period of time, you may find yourself saying farewell on a weekly basis. The first few times can be particularly painful if you are not prepared. You may experience feelings of abandonment and loss that were completely unexpected.

One of my clients, whom I’ll call Joan, found herself utterly shaken one day while she and her husband were driving to the airport for his typical Sunday 5:00 p.m. flight. Though this had been their routine for a few months, something about this day really struck her. The closer they got to the airport, the deeper her sadness became. When they were just a few exits away, she began to cry. Her husband pulled over at the next rest stop, not knowing what to do. She couldn’t explain to him why NOW she was so upset, and for him it was confusing and he felt out of control. Though he offered to skip the flight, Joan said she’d be okay and they continued on.

She told me she’ll never forget the feeling of watching him disappear into the airport that day, travel suitcase in hand. It was the loneliest she’d ever felt.

It can be very helpful to take time to discuss these weekly departures with your spouse/partner so that you avoid last-minute meltdowns. Of course it is perfectly okay and understandable to have an emotional storm come out of the blue, but it may help if you process the grief more deliberately. I recommend creating an informal ritual for saying goodbye each week that you adhere to no matter what.

Some ideas include:

• Handwritten notes tucked into his suitcase or her pillow.


• Some sort of talisman for each partner, e.g., a special rock with a word written on it that symbolizes union or strength.


• A certain quote or phrase that infuses hope, strength and connection, that can be spoken to one another at parting, such as: “Our love and connection crosses state lines.”

Google Hangouts, Skype, cell phones, texting and other tools can all help make weekly goodbyes feel less painful. The goal is to keep these connections thriving across state lines.

The Etiquette of Relocation

The fact is, most of us are ill-equipped to provide comfort to each other during major life changes, whether a death, divorce, miscarriage or infertility. We mean well, but are often clueless. We say all the wrong things at all the wrong times.

For example, here are some of the things you might hear from people when you talk about relocating:

“Oh, I have an uncle in that state you are moving to – he loves it there, you will, too…. Now let me tell you all about the culture, weather and school systems.” (…as they drone on with inane details.)


“OH MY GOSH – you are moving there? Their weather/school system/economy sucks.”

“Aren’t you EXCITED? I’ve always wanted to move.”

“You are so LUCKY! More money and a lower cost of living!”

“The housing market is TERRIBLE right now! Good luck with that.”

“I moved once too, when I was a kid….let me tell you all about it.”

“Take this vitamin/essential oil/herbal remedy – it will help.”

“Oh no, what am I going to do without you?”

“Can I have your furniture/art/etc.?”

These phrases probably sound like nails on a chalkboard to you, when you would rather hear things like:

“What is this like for you?”

“I am sorry you are facing this life change – any change can be a challenge.”

“How can I support you through this process?”

“What can you do to take care of yourself?”

“Can I watch the kids/pets while you go house hunting?”

“I’m here for you.”

If you are inundated with people saying all the wrong things as you go through your move, allow yourself to feel the frustration. Try to believe that the person across from you is doing the best they can to offer support.


My all-time favorite supportive comment came from a dear friend who, having moved herself many times, seemed to truly understand the challenges I was facing. Carol would invite me to envision that she was riding on the dash as I traveled back and forth from old to new location, providing me love and support. Every time I got in the car (and there were many) I felt Carol on the dash, and her support got me through some tough times.

Everyone is Relocating

As a life coach, I’ve come to notice that all of my clients, in fact pretty much everyone in my life, is in the midst of some kind of relocation. Why do some glide through while others fall apart? I’ve noticed that those who relocate with ease do so because of how they choose to approach the transition.

I’ve had clients transition from:

• Full health to a cancer diagnosis


• Employment to unemployment


• Pregnancy to miscarriage


• Marriage to divorce


• Parenthood to empty nesting


• Retirement to a new career


• One state to another, or one country to another

Those that go through these challenging experiences successfully utilize all, or some of these five key concepts:


1) Present moment awareness


Periodically stopping to focus on the breath, or really noticing your surroundings, keeps you rooted in the here and now and mitigates anxiety. A client between jobs took up yoga in order to stay grounded and present.


2) Gratitude


Your energy is immediately lifted when you take time to appreciate all the good in your life, or take time to send gratitude to others. A client experiencing a divorce made it a habit to send one card a day to a friend or loved one, saying that she cared.

3) Mantras or affirmations


Taming the mind is critical during transition, as fear likes to creep in. “I’m led to the perfect people and places,” is one mantra a relocation client used.


4) Supreme self-care


Often the first thing to go during a big life change is your regular self-care routine. A client experiencing cancer amped up her self-care dramatically before chemotherapy began and has put herself first in the midst of the treatment.


5) Allow grieving


Transitions are like a death. You are saying goodbye to one way of life or being, and that can be incredible painful. Even if those around you do not recognize that you are grieving, it’s important to process the feelings. One client went on a retreat after a miscarriage, just to spend time grieving.


Prior to my relocation last year, I gave myself the gift of attending a solo retreat – just me and one practitioner. Though it felt decadent at the time to go away by myself right before a major move, it proved to be the very best thing I could have done. During the retreat, I refueled and replenished. As a result, I found that I had a storehouse of energy to face the boxes, address changes, closing documents, etc. I was also able to fully process my emotions around the move with the help of another coach.

If you know that a big life change is on your horizon, whether it’s a geographic relocation or a life transition, the five concepts above can help. And if you’d like help to create a personalized plan for mindfully moving through your upcoming transition, I'd love to support you.

Talking About Relocation With Your Spouse

When you’re experiencing any concern or distress about an upcoming relocation, your partner is the one person with whom you should really be able to communicate. He is likely experiencing many of the same fears and is living the situation with you, and should be your main supporter. However, if communication in your household has never been great, you’ll want to try to cultivate this skill quickly in order to experience a smooth transition.

To ensure effective communication, I recommend scheduling conversations to cover specific topics about the move. Scheduling is important because these dialogues need to be valued in a way that a casual conversation is not. When we make time to create a calendar event, it elevates the conversation in a few ways: It shows each partner that the activity (in this case, the conversation) is as valuable as any other life event; it increases the chances that you’ll both show up and be on time; and it helps you value the meeting as much as a business appointment.

The location of your pointed conversations is important. If possible, choose a neutral space, signifying that your needs in this situation are equally important. The executive’s first day in the boardroom is as important as the spouse who is responsible for arranging the first day of kindergarten.

You may wish to ritualize the experience even further by using a touchstone like a favorite family symbol, picture, or a candle. One of my clients chose a red heart rock because to her that represented stability, safety and love. It was also something she kept right on her kitchen counter to remind her of her connection with her husband.

You may wish to create an agenda in advance that allows you and your partner to really hear one another. Now more than ever, you’ll need to clearly understand and honor each other’s needs.

Here are a few questions to get you started:

1. What are we each feeling the most right now regarding the relocation (e.g., excitement, dread, anticipation, overwhelm, ill-equipped, fear, sadness, happiness, pride)?


2. What do we need right now in order to stay connected in our marriage/partnership?


3. What does the family need right now in order to stay connected?


4. What are each of our top concerns and how can we support each other in getting those needs met? For example, I want to stay balanced and continue my workout schedule; you want to eat well and you want us to stay connected via texting while you’re looking at new homes and I’m packing up here.


5. What self-care practices will ensure you feel balanced and less stressed? How can I help you accomplish them?


6. What kind of ritual or system might we want to put in place for when we need to say goodbye for a week or more at a time (e.g., a couple who will be living apart while the kids finish school)?

Create your own agenda or list of questions, and draft it in advance so that each of you feel your needs are respected. Fully allow each person to share and ask if they feel complete in what they’ve shared.

Emma’s husband accepted a job overseas and they lived apart for four long months, with a 16-hour plane ride between them. With the time zone difference, they had to be very creative and consistent in the way that they communicated. No matter how exhausted Emma was at the end of each day (and as a mother of four, she had reason to be tired!), she sat down every night and wrote to him. It reminded her that they were going through this separation for a reason, and it made her feel connected.

She said one of the main benefits of the writing was that they each shared appreciation for what the other was going through – though there wasn’t a FIX, the fact that they communicated in this way kept her afloat during the separation. She’d share little stories about the kids, and he often thanked her for all that she was doing in his absence. It was a very positive experience and they saved all those emails. He even sent roses, which meant the world to her.

In my experience, the couples that take the time to communicate effectively have easier moves and are better able to get their personal and collective family needs met.

Relocation Depression

Even experienced relocators can find themselves sinking into a depression. Judy, an executive’s wife who had already moved five times to support her husband’s career, fell into a deep depression on move number six. Many things contributed to her depression, including moving to a brand new climate that she hated, downsizing from a large home to a condo, leaving her kids behind in their colleges, and leaving a teaching job she had taken years to perfect.

She was normally a highly motivated individual who prided herself in motivating others – so when she was having trouble leaving her house, she felt she had no one to turn to. Her husband had never seen this side of her, and though he was a tremendous supporter, he was unable to help her on his own.

After lying on the sofa for nine months, gaining 40 pounds and crying so hard and often her face peeled from the salt of her tears, she reached out to find a therapist. Therapy helped her get back on her feet and put support systems in place and she’s in a much better place now.

Twenty years later, I asked Judy her advice for another young woman going through a similar experience. She recommended telling others about your depression as quickly as you can so they can help you, even if that means making your therapy appointment for you.

Judy’s situation was truly extreme and quite rare. However, her advice to keep communication fluid will help prevent a similar situation and address relocation depression in all its forms.

If you find yourself hesitant to reach out, try putting yourself in the shoes of your supporters. When someone you love is having a difficult time, don’t you appreciate the opportunity to help?

Set the Stage for Your Move

Corporate relocations most always include help from a relocation company and they will assist you with scheduling the movers, packing, closing, etc. While this is wonderful in terms of managing the physical work, it is your internal landscape that often falls apart – and no one but you can see the boxes piled up in your emotional body.

So how can you better prepare your internal landscape?

I recommend you set the stage for your move.

You may not realize the myriad of emotions you will soon be experiencing, if you aren’t already, especially if this is your first corporate relocation. That’s why the first step in this process is to acknowledge that moving is considered to be one of the top 10 stressors in life. Like any other major life change, it requires planning. Planning WILL help you feel more in control, and less in chaos.

Here are some ideas for how to approach your relocation by laying a good foundation for your move.

Set intentions

Get clear about how you want this move to progress. If it’s difficult to think of what you do want, start with what you don’t want. List your greatest concerns, fears and dreads about the relocation process.

Here is an example of how my client Beth used this process. First, she listed her top concerns:

• I’m afraid I will run around blindly trying to get things done.


• I’m afraid I’ll stay as cranky as I am now – rude to my family and my husband.


• I’m afraid the house won’t sell.


• I’m afraid I will live in constant clutter.


• I’m afraid I will miss my workouts, my vitamins and my massages.


• I’m afraid I will not get enough sleep.


• I’m afraid I will feel displaced, neither here nor there.


• I’m afraid I will lose touch with my friends.

From this list of fears, we created a list of desires:

• I create a manageable “to do” list and move through each step calmly.


• I am easygoing throughout this process and treat my family well.


• The house sells quickly and with ease.


• Our home is organized fairly well.


• My self-care keeps me healthy – I exercise, eat well, take my vitamins and get massages.


• I get enough sleep.


• I remain present and positive – appreciating this home and community while planning for the next.


• My friendships are lifelong and transcend geography.

Beth immediately felt the fear dissipate and was excited by the feeling of empowerment. In fact, she kept this list with her on her iPhone to reference when she was feeling vulnerable.

Be gentle with yourself

Be gentle with yourself as you live in this unknown place. You likely have your feet in two worlds right now – the familiar place you’ve called home for a period of time and the new location to which you are heading. It’s normal to feel lost and a bit unsettled.

Do whatever you can to nurture yourself through this time of the unknown. There is much richness in this space you are in and with conscious awareness and by processing your feelings, you will glide through this time with greater ease.

By setting the stage and your intentions, and by staying gentle with yourself through the process, you can feel more prepared for your upcoming move.