Separation Due to Relocation

When your spouse or life partner is living in another city for a period of time during your relocation, you find yourself saying farewell on a weekly basis. The first few times that happens can be particularly painful if you are not prepared. You may experience unexpected feelings of abandonment and loss.

It can be very helpful to take time to discuss the weekly departures with your spouse/partner so that you avoid last-minute meltdowns. While it is perfectly okay and understandable to have an emotional storm come out of the blue, it may help you feel more settled if you are able to process the grief more thoroughly.

I recommend creating a goodbye ritual that you adhere to no matter what, such as:

• Handwritten notes tucked into his suitcase or her pillow.

• Each partner keeping a talisman of sorts – a special rock with a word written on it that symbolizes union or strength.

• A certain quote or phrase that infuses hope, strength and connection, that can be spoken to one another at parting, e.g.,“ Our love and connection crosses state lines.”

Being able to keep in touch via cell phone, Skype video calls, and texting can all make weekly goodbyes much less painful. The goal is to keep these connections thriving.

Talking About Relocation With Your Spouse

When you’re experiencing any concern or distress about an upcoming relocation, your partner is the one person with whom you should really be able to communicate. He is likely experiencing many of the same fears and is living the situation with you, and should be your main supporter. However, if communication in your household has never been great, you’ll want to try to cultivate this skill quickly in order to experience a smooth transition.

To ensure effective communication, I recommend scheduling conversations to cover specific topics about the move. Scheduling is important because these dialogues need to be valued in a way that a casual conversation is not. When we make time to create a calendar event, it elevates the conversation in a few ways: It shows each partner that the activity (in this case, the conversation) is as valuable as any other life event; it increases the chances that you’ll both show up and be on time; and it helps you value the meeting as much as a business appointment.

The location of your pointed conversations is important. If possible, choose a neutral space, signifying that your needs in this situation are equally important. The executive’s first day in the boardroom is as important as the spouse who is responsible for arranging the first day of kindergarten.

You may wish to ritualize the experience even further by using a touchstone like a favorite family symbol, picture, or a candle. One of my clients chose a red heart rock because to her that represented stability, safety and love. It was also something she kept right on her kitchen counter to remind her of her connection with her husband.

You may wish to create an agenda in advance that allows you and your partner to really hear one another. Now more than ever, you’ll need to clearly understand and honor each other’s needs.

Here are a few questions to get you started:

1. What are we each feeling the most right now regarding the relocation (e.g., excitement, dread, anticipation, overwhelm, ill-equipped, fear, sadness, happiness, pride)?


2. What do we need right now in order to stay connected in our marriage/partnership?


3. What does the family need right now in order to stay connected?


4. What are each of our top concerns and how can we support each other in getting those needs met? For example, I want to stay balanced and continue my workout schedule; you want to eat well and you want us to stay connected via texting while you’re looking at new homes and I’m packing up here.


5. What self-care practices will ensure you feel balanced and less stressed? How can I help you accomplish them?


6. What kind of ritual or system might we want to put in place for when we need to say goodbye for a week or more at a time (e.g., a couple who will be living apart while the kids finish school)?

Create your own agenda or list of questions, and draft it in advance so that each of you feel your needs are respected. Fully allow each person to share and ask if they feel complete in what they’ve shared.

Emma’s husband accepted a job overseas and they lived apart for four long months, with a 16-hour plane ride between them. With the time zone difference, they had to be very creative and consistent in the way that they communicated. No matter how exhausted Emma was at the end of each day (and as a mother of four, she had reason to be tired!), she sat down every night and wrote to him. It reminded her that they were going through this separation for a reason, and it made her feel connected.

She said one of the main benefits of the writing was that they each shared appreciation for what the other was going through – though there wasn’t a FIX, the fact that they communicated in this way kept her afloat during the separation. She’d share little stories about the kids, and he often thanked her for all that she was doing in his absence. It was a very positive experience and they saved all those emails. He even sent roses, which meant the world to her.

In my experience, the couples that take the time to communicate effectively have easier moves and are better able to get their personal and collective family needs met.

Asking for Help

A common trait among those relocating is stoicism.  Sometimes, like a new mom, we resist asking for help – thinking, “I can do this on my own.  I don’t want to show weakness.”  Often we remain quiet, hiding the pain felt around the upcoming move.  Yes, we may be receiving support from the new company, but no part of “all expenses paid” can cover emotional losses. If you are in the midst of a relocation, identify your true needs, reach out and ASK.

If you have never been comfortable with the dynamic of asking, what I am about to suggest may seem like a huge challenge.  I’m going to invite you to flex your “receiving” muscle.

As Amanda Owen shares, “those who have a difficult time receiving, tend to attract people who have trouble giving.”  Directly asking for what you need from your friends and family members is a gift not just to you, but to them as well.   People generally love to help out, but often don’t know how without your specific guidance.

For instance, consider requesting things like:

• Can you watch the kids while my husband and I go house hunting?

• Can you stay overnight to care for the dog while I am away?

• Can you bring me a salad (or something healthy)  for dinner?

• Can you promise to keep in touch by sending me cards and emails when I am in my new location?  That’s better than a going-away party.

• Can you remind me to take good care of myself during this relocation? 

Take some time now to create a “wish list” of things you’d like to receive during this hectic time.  And don’t forget to reach out and ASK.