Talking About Relocation With Your Spouse

When you’re experiencing any concern or distress about an upcoming relocation, your partner is the one person with whom you should really be able to communicate. He is likely experiencing many of the same fears and is living the situation with you, and should be your main supporter. However, if communication in your household has never been great, you’ll want to try to cultivate this skill quickly in order to experience a smooth transition.

To ensure effective communication, I recommend scheduling conversations to cover specific topics about the move. Scheduling is important because these dialogues need to be valued in a way that a casual conversation is not. When we make time to create a calendar event, it elevates the conversation in a few ways: It shows each partner that the activity (in this case, the conversation) is as valuable as any other life event; it increases the chances that you’ll both show up and be on time; and it helps you value the meeting as much as a business appointment.

The location of your pointed conversations is important. If possible, choose a neutral space, signifying that your needs in this situation are equally important. The executive’s first day in the boardroom is as important as the spouse who is responsible for arranging the first day of kindergarten.

You may wish to ritualize the experience even further by using a touchstone like a favorite family symbol, picture, or a candle. One of my clients chose a red heart rock because to her that represented stability, safety and love. It was also something she kept right on her kitchen counter to remind her of her connection with her husband.

You may wish to create an agenda in advance that allows you and your partner to really hear one another. Now more than ever, you’ll need to clearly understand and honor each other’s needs.

Here are a few questions to get you started:

1. What are we each feeling the most right now regarding the relocation (e.g., excitement, dread, anticipation, overwhelm, ill-equipped, fear, sadness, happiness, pride)?


2. What do we need right now in order to stay connected in our marriage/partnership?


3. What does the family need right now in order to stay connected?


4. What are each of our top concerns and how can we support each other in getting those needs met? For example, I want to stay balanced and continue my workout schedule; you want to eat well and you want us to stay connected via texting while you’re looking at new homes and I’m packing up here.


5. What self-care practices will ensure you feel balanced and less stressed? How can I help you accomplish them?


6. What kind of ritual or system might we want to put in place for when we need to say goodbye for a week or more at a time (e.g., a couple who will be living apart while the kids finish school)?

Create your own agenda or list of questions, and draft it in advance so that each of you feel your needs are respected. Fully allow each person to share and ask if they feel complete in what they’ve shared.

Emma’s husband accepted a job overseas and they lived apart for four long months, with a 16-hour plane ride between them. With the time zone difference, they had to be very creative and consistent in the way that they communicated. No matter how exhausted Emma was at the end of each day (and as a mother of four, she had reason to be tired!), she sat down every night and wrote to him. It reminded her that they were going through this separation for a reason, and it made her feel connected.

She said one of the main benefits of the writing was that they each shared appreciation for what the other was going through – though there wasn’t a FIX, the fact that they communicated in this way kept her afloat during the separation. She’d share little stories about the kids, and he often thanked her for all that she was doing in his absence. It was a very positive experience and they saved all those emails. He even sent roses, which meant the world to her.

In my experience, the couples that take the time to communicate effectively have easier moves and are better able to get their personal and collective family needs met.

Relocation Depression

Even experienced relocators can find themselves sinking into a depression. Judy, an executive’s wife who had already moved five times to support her husband’s career, fell into a deep depression on move number six. Many things contributed to her depression, including moving to a brand new climate that she hated, downsizing from a large home to a condo, leaving her kids behind in their colleges, and leaving a teaching job she had taken years to perfect.

She was normally a highly motivated individual who prided herself in motivating others – so when she was having trouble leaving her house, she felt she had no one to turn to. Her husband had never seen this side of her, and though he was a tremendous supporter, he was unable to help her on his own.

After lying on the sofa for nine months, gaining 40 pounds and crying so hard and often her face peeled from the salt of her tears, she reached out to find a therapist. Therapy helped her get back on her feet and put support systems in place and she’s in a much better place now.

Twenty years later, I asked Judy her advice for another young woman going through a similar experience. She recommended telling others about your depression as quickly as you can so they can help you, even if that means making your therapy appointment for you.

Judy’s situation was truly extreme and quite rare. However, her advice to keep communication fluid will help prevent a similar situation and address relocation depression in all its forms.

If you find yourself hesitant to reach out, try putting yourself in the shoes of your supporters. When someone you love is having a difficult time, don’t you appreciate the opportunity to help?

Set the Stage for Your Move

Corporate relocations most always include help from a relocation company and they will assist you with scheduling the movers, packing, closing, etc. While this is wonderful in terms of managing the physical work, it is your internal landscape that often falls apart – and no one but you can see the boxes piled up in your emotional body.

So how can you better prepare your internal landscape?

I recommend you set the stage for your move.

You may not realize the myriad of emotions you will soon be experiencing, if you aren’t already, especially if this is your first corporate relocation. That’s why the first step in this process is to acknowledge that moving is considered to be one of the top 10 stressors in life. Like any other major life change, it requires planning. Planning WILL help you feel more in control, and less in chaos.

Here are some ideas for how to approach your relocation by laying a good foundation for your move.

Set intentions

Get clear about how you want this move to progress. If it’s difficult to think of what you do want, start with what you don’t want. List your greatest concerns, fears and dreads about the relocation process.

Here is an example of how my client Beth used this process. First, she listed her top concerns:

• I’m afraid I will run around blindly trying to get things done.


• I’m afraid I’ll stay as cranky as I am now – rude to my family and my husband.


• I’m afraid the house won’t sell.


• I’m afraid I will live in constant clutter.


• I’m afraid I will miss my workouts, my vitamins and my massages.


• I’m afraid I will not get enough sleep.


• I’m afraid I will feel displaced, neither here nor there.


• I’m afraid I will lose touch with my friends.

From this list of fears, we created a list of desires:

• I create a manageable “to do” list and move through each step calmly.


• I am easygoing throughout this process and treat my family well.


• The house sells quickly and with ease.


• Our home is organized fairly well.


• My self-care keeps me healthy – I exercise, eat well, take my vitamins and get massages.


• I get enough sleep.


• I remain present and positive – appreciating this home and community while planning for the next.


• My friendships are lifelong and transcend geography.

Beth immediately felt the fear dissipate and was excited by the feeling of empowerment. In fact, she kept this list with her on her iPhone to reference when she was feeling vulnerable.

Be gentle with yourself

Be gentle with yourself as you live in this unknown place. You likely have your feet in two worlds right now – the familiar place you’ve called home for a period of time and the new location to which you are heading. It’s normal to feel lost and a bit unsettled.

Do whatever you can to nurture yourself through this time of the unknown. There is much richness in this space you are in and with conscious awareness and by processing your feelings, you will glide through this time with greater ease.

By setting the stage and your intentions, and by staying gentle with yourself through the process, you can feel more prepared for your upcoming move.

Moving with Gratitude

A shop owner was sorting through her Thanksgiving wares at the heart of a thriving town.  A breathless woman nearly ran up to her booth, jostling her table filled with fresh turkeys, and began a conversation,

“Hello, I’m relocating to this area at the very worst time – during the holidays.  I’m exhausted and just have no time to make a big Thanksgiving meal, but feel I must.”

The shop owner took a deep breath in, smiled softly, and nodded understandingly.

“I would feel better if I could know a little bit about the people in this town. I can not stop worrying about whether or not I will fit in. What are they like?”

The shop owner asked, “Well, let me ask you a question, what were the people like in the town that you moved from?”

With a sigh, the woman answered, “They were always rushing around, too busy to get to know me or my family very well.  I always felt like they didn’t have time to even stop for a cup of coffee.”

“Hmmm…that’s interesting,” said the shop owner.  I believe you will find the people in this town to be exactly the same way.

The woman walked away with slumped shoulders and a dejected look on her face…..not even taking a moment to wish the shop owner a Happy Thanksgiving.

A while later, another woman slowly approached the shop owners booth, with a broad smile and warm eyes.  After greeting her, she shared that she was brand new to the area, and just wanted to get a sense of the town.

“I’m wondering what the people are like in this town,” she asked.  "I can’t wait to make new friends and connections. Can you tell me a little bit about them?”

“Well, first tell me, what were the people like in your previous town?” asked the shop owner.

With a look of happy nostalgia, the woman replied,  “ Oh they were simply wonderful!  Always willing to help, listen when you needed to be heard and truly great people.”

The shop owner told her that she would find the people in this town to be exactly the same.    And then she offered her a newcomers discount on a turkey of her choice.

Laughing, the woman said, “Oh thank you so much, but I’ve hired someone to cook us a lovely meal in our new home.  The first holiday dinner in a new house should be stress-free and full of love and connection.”

Why Do So Many Corporate Relocations Fail?

The former CEO of Heidrick & Struggles International Inc. placement firm made a startling pronouncement in a recent Financial Times article: “Forty percent of executives hired at the senior level are pushed out, fail, or quit within 18 months.”  To glean this statistic, Kevin Kelly’s firm performed an internal study of 20,000 executive searches.  Other estimates put it at 46% or more who relocate end their new job within 18 months of the move.

The amount spent annually in the U.S. on corporate relocation by Worldwide ERC® member corporation is $9.3 billion. The cost to domestically transfer an employee is nearly $92,000. That’s an enormous amount of money lost for large corporations. For small corporations, it can be devastating.

I have worked with nearly 300 clients as a life coach, and have relocated for my executive husband’s job six times over the past 19 years. I can tell you the secret to a successful executive move: A Happy Spouse.  Enlightened corporations are beginning to see the value of including the spouse more cohesively in the assimilation process.

One of the problems I see is the term used to describe the executive spouse: trailing spouse. While this phrase is mostly used for ex-pats, the concept is loosely linked to executive spouses embarking on domestic moves as well. The picture it paints is anything but positive—like a child reluctantly dragging its toy behind him.

Any spouse carrying the title of “trailing spouse” being dragged behind their wife or husband isn’t going to feel good about it. They need to feel honored, valued and appreciated. They are leaving so much familiarity and comfort behind only to face uncertainty and vulnerability. It’s no wonder they often feel anxiety, grief and depression.

I suggest we replace the term “trailing spouse” with a new and improved version: The Supporting Spouse.

It’s my job at HolisticRelo.com to help The Supporting Spouse transition to their new zip code with peace and acceptance. When corporate relocations start involving companies like Holistic Relo, I predict you will see a reversal of the aforementioned statistic. You’ll start seeing relocations that “stick,” satisfied spouses, and soaring profitability.

Are You Consoling OTHERS - Not Yourself? Don't Lose Yourself in Your Own Move

Often we don’t fully get to express our frustration or sadness around relocating, because we’re consoling those we are leaving - they don’t want to see us go!  One of my clients shared how uncomfortable it was for her to witness the tears of her friends, co-workers and neighbors when she herself was melting down.   Breaking down in the midst of their drama felt just wrong.

Sometimes friends are so caught up with how to manage without us nearby for coffee, a walk or movie out, they forget to consider how we are feeling.  To those left behind, there’s a bit of mystique around going to a new city, buying and decorating a new home….almost as if we are entering into a fairy tale, and like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, just need to click our pretty red shoes twice, and we’re magically transported to the new location.

Are you in the midst of moving and feeling sadness that you’re hesitant to express? As Carl Jung notes, “What you resist, persists.”  Processing your emotions now, helps prevent Post-Traumatic Move Syndrome (PTMS).  I coined this after seeing what happens to my clients when they bury their grief and end up falling apart emotionally after the boxes are unpacked and the family is situated.  I want you to be just as settled inside your emotional self, as your home is on the outside.

Below are some ideas to help you process your emotions:

1)   Journal your feelings and fears about your relocation.  Invest in a beautiful journal that can contain your innermost thoughts.  Or, if you want more privacy, try Penzu.com, a private online diary.

2)   Request the ear of a trusted friend, particularly someone who is familiar with moving or being in transition.  Be specific and share that you’d like some time for it to be “all about you.”  Or join a Virtual Neighborhood, a place to connect with others that have relocated.

3)   Schedule an appointment for the stress relieving modality of your choice – a massage or any other situation that might allow the tears to flow in a safe setting.

4)   Reach out to your spouse or life partner, and voice your innermost feelings around the move.  Make sure to be honest and open about what you need.

5)   Contact me.  I understand what you are going through and would be happy to listen and partner with you.

Trust the process of expressing, it's as important as labeling boxes. We don't want YOU to get lost in the move.

As a Relocating Spouse, Do You feel Like a Ghost?

Gwen feels invisible. She’s a client of mine (not her real name, of course) – who shared with me that this Halloween is particularly painful.  When I asked her what she’d wear to represent her current state of mind, she replied, “A ghost costume.”

Her kids will be trick-or-treating for the last time in their beloved neighborhood of 10 years, and she’s doing her best to make sure this final one is memorable.  Preparations for the family’s impending relocation make this a very hectic holiday, but she’s determined to keep all the plates spinning.

Gwen's husband feels right at home in his new company, he's been through a few board meetings now, and is navigating the office complex with ease.  His support system is firmly in place.

She trusts that their kids will adjust to their new schools in a short period of time – in fact, they’ve already made a few Facebook friends there.

Gwen, however, hasn’t taken any time to ensure her own smooth assimilation.  She’s managing new insurance plans, gathering paperwork for mortgages, pulling together vaccine records for the kid’s schools; in short, her to-do list feels endless.

In our coaching sessions, I encourage Gwen to put herself on the calendar.  Together, we identify what she can do right now that will keep her in balance.  This includes her unique self-care routine, as well as setting up her own support system in the new location.

It’s incredibly important for the executive spouse to till the soil of her internal landscape, rather than to solely be focusing on the external.

If you’re also spending your last Halloween in your longtime neighborhood before your big move, I hope these suggestions ease your pain and remind you of the importance of your own self-care.