Saying Goodbye to Your Home

Though a home is not a person, very similar feelings can come up when parting from a place you’ve loved for years. Also, when you are leaving one home and not yet officially in the other, you are in a transition space that can feel very unsettling. Our home is one of the things that keep us grounded.

While you will naturally be engaged in the future thinking process of searching for a new home, cultivate the fine art of present moment awareness while you are closing up your old one.

The temptation to multi-task really increases when selling one home and buying another, yet accidents happen more often when attention is divided. It’s not unusual for people in transition to experience falls or accidents. It’s almost as if your feet are in two homes at one time. I always advise my clients to be especially careful during this time of relocation. Try to slow down and not rush. Try to be fully present. Focus on the here and now. Be particularly aware of your surroundings when you are driving.

It’s also valuable to create closure as you leave your home. Lots of grief can be present that gets ignored if you are not able to stop and feel the feelings. One of my clients taught me the value of releasing and blessing a home with a ritual. Before leaving their home of 10 years, Susan and her husband methodically and intentionally walked through each room. They stopped and spoke out loud all of the good memories they experienced in each room.

Another couple once shared a funny story about leaving a home. The husband was living in another state while the kids and wife stayed behind for the kids to finish school. The husband wondered why the house was sitting on the market for so long (this was years ago, when the housing market was good). It turns out that the family was removing the For Sale sign from the lawn as soon as he headed back to his temporary house after each visit.

While this was a funny “conspiracy” that a family committed together, the truth is that if you really do not want to move, or if you haven’t had sufficient closure, you may sabotage the sale of your house by not releasing it emotionally.

Communication in a Commuter Marriage

When your spouse is living in another city for a period of time, you may find yourself saying farewell on a weekly basis. The first few times can be particularly painful if you are not prepared. You may experience feelings of abandonment and loss that were completely unexpected.

One of my clients, whom I’ll call Joan, found herself utterly shaken one day while she and her husband were driving to the airport for his typical Sunday 5:00 p.m. flight. Though this had been their routine for a few months, something about this day really struck her. The closer they got to the airport, the deeper her sadness became. When they were just a few exits away, she began to cry. Her husband pulled over at the next rest stop, not knowing what to do. She couldn’t explain to him why NOW she was so upset, and for him it was confusing and he felt out of control. Though he offered to skip the flight, Joan said she’d be okay and they continued on.

She told me she’ll never forget the feeling of watching him disappear into the airport that day, travel suitcase in hand. It was the loneliest she’d ever felt.

It can be very helpful to take time to discuss these weekly departures with your spouse/partner so that you avoid last-minute meltdowns. Of course it is perfectly okay and understandable to have an emotional storm come out of the blue, but it may help if you process the grief more deliberately. I recommend creating an informal ritual for saying goodbye each week that you adhere to no matter what.

Some ideas include:

• Handwritten notes tucked into his suitcase or her pillow.


• Some sort of talisman for each partner, e.g., a special rock with a word written on it that symbolizes union or strength.


• A certain quote or phrase that infuses hope, strength and connection, that can be spoken to one another at parting, such as: “Our love and connection crosses state lines.”

Google Hangouts, Skype, cell phones, texting and other tools can all help make weekly goodbyes feel less painful. The goal is to keep these connections thriving across state lines.

The Etiquette of Relocation

The fact is, most of us are ill-equipped to provide comfort to each other during major life changes, whether a death, divorce, miscarriage or infertility. We mean well, but are often clueless. We say all the wrong things at all the wrong times.

For example, here are some of the things you might hear from people when you talk about relocating:

“Oh, I have an uncle in that state you are moving to – he loves it there, you will, too…. Now let me tell you all about the culture, weather and school systems.” (…as they drone on with inane details.)


“OH MY GOSH – you are moving there? Their weather/school system/economy sucks.”

“Aren’t you EXCITED? I’ve always wanted to move.”

“You are so LUCKY! More money and a lower cost of living!”

“The housing market is TERRIBLE right now! Good luck with that.”

“I moved once too, when I was a kid….let me tell you all about it.”

“Take this vitamin/essential oil/herbal remedy – it will help.”

“Oh no, what am I going to do without you?”

“Can I have your furniture/art/etc.?”

These phrases probably sound like nails on a chalkboard to you, when you would rather hear things like:

“What is this like for you?”

“I am sorry you are facing this life change – any change can be a challenge.”

“How can I support you through this process?”

“What can you do to take care of yourself?”

“Can I watch the kids/pets while you go house hunting?”

“I’m here for you.”

If you are inundated with people saying all the wrong things as you go through your move, allow yourself to feel the frustration. Try to believe that the person across from you is doing the best they can to offer support.


My all-time favorite supportive comment came from a dear friend who, having moved herself many times, seemed to truly understand the challenges I was facing. Carol would invite me to envision that she was riding on the dash as I traveled back and forth from old to new location, providing me love and support. Every time I got in the car (and there were many) I felt Carol on the dash, and her support got me through some tough times.

Everyone is Relocating

As a life coach, I’ve come to notice that all of my clients, in fact pretty much everyone in my life, is in the midst of some kind of relocation. Why do some glide through while others fall apart? I’ve noticed that those who relocate with ease do so because of how they choose to approach the transition.

I’ve had clients transition from:

• Full health to a cancer diagnosis


• Employment to unemployment


• Pregnancy to miscarriage


• Marriage to divorce


• Parenthood to empty nesting


• Retirement to a new career


• One state to another, or one country to another

Those that go through these challenging experiences successfully utilize all, or some of these five key concepts:


1) Present moment awareness


Periodically stopping to focus on the breath, or really noticing your surroundings, keeps you rooted in the here and now and mitigates anxiety. A client between jobs took up yoga in order to stay grounded and present.


2) Gratitude


Your energy is immediately lifted when you take time to appreciate all the good in your life, or take time to send gratitude to others. A client experiencing a divorce made it a habit to send one card a day to a friend or loved one, saying that she cared.

3) Mantras or affirmations


Taming the mind is critical during transition, as fear likes to creep in. “I’m led to the perfect people and places,” is one mantra a relocation client used.


4) Supreme self-care


Often the first thing to go during a big life change is your regular self-care routine. A client experiencing cancer amped up her self-care dramatically before chemotherapy began and has put herself first in the midst of the treatment.


5) Allow grieving


Transitions are like a death. You are saying goodbye to one way of life or being, and that can be incredible painful. Even if those around you do not recognize that you are grieving, it’s important to process the feelings. One client went on a retreat after a miscarriage, just to spend time grieving.


Prior to my relocation last year, I gave myself the gift of attending a solo retreat – just me and one practitioner. Though it felt decadent at the time to go away by myself right before a major move, it proved to be the very best thing I could have done. During the retreat, I refueled and replenished. As a result, I found that I had a storehouse of energy to face the boxes, address changes, closing documents, etc. I was also able to fully process my emotions around the move with the help of another coach.

If you know that a big life change is on your horizon, whether it’s a geographic relocation or a life transition, the five concepts above can help. And if you’d like help to create a personalized plan for mindfully moving through your upcoming transition, I'd love to support you.

Talking About Relocation With Your Spouse

When you’re experiencing any concern or distress about an upcoming relocation, your partner is the one person with whom you should really be able to communicate. He is likely experiencing many of the same fears and is living the situation with you, and should be your main supporter. However, if communication in your household has never been great, you’ll want to try to cultivate this skill quickly in order to experience a smooth transition.

To ensure effective communication, I recommend scheduling conversations to cover specific topics about the move. Scheduling is important because these dialogues need to be valued in a way that a casual conversation is not. When we make time to create a calendar event, it elevates the conversation in a few ways: It shows each partner that the activity (in this case, the conversation) is as valuable as any other life event; it increases the chances that you’ll both show up and be on time; and it helps you value the meeting as much as a business appointment.

The location of your pointed conversations is important. If possible, choose a neutral space, signifying that your needs in this situation are equally important. The executive’s first day in the boardroom is as important as the spouse who is responsible for arranging the first day of kindergarten.

You may wish to ritualize the experience even further by using a touchstone like a favorite family symbol, picture, or a candle. One of my clients chose a red heart rock because to her that represented stability, safety and love. It was also something she kept right on her kitchen counter to remind her of her connection with her husband.

You may wish to create an agenda in advance that allows you and your partner to really hear one another. Now more than ever, you’ll need to clearly understand and honor each other’s needs.

Here are a few questions to get you started:

1. What are we each feeling the most right now regarding the relocation (e.g., excitement, dread, anticipation, overwhelm, ill-equipped, fear, sadness, happiness, pride)?


2. What do we need right now in order to stay connected in our marriage/partnership?


3. What does the family need right now in order to stay connected?


4. What are each of our top concerns and how can we support each other in getting those needs met? For example, I want to stay balanced and continue my workout schedule; you want to eat well and you want us to stay connected via texting while you’re looking at new homes and I’m packing up here.


5. What self-care practices will ensure you feel balanced and less stressed? How can I help you accomplish them?


6. What kind of ritual or system might we want to put in place for when we need to say goodbye for a week or more at a time (e.g., a couple who will be living apart while the kids finish school)?

Create your own agenda or list of questions, and draft it in advance so that each of you feel your needs are respected. Fully allow each person to share and ask if they feel complete in what they’ve shared.

Emma’s husband accepted a job overseas and they lived apart for four long months, with a 16-hour plane ride between them. With the time zone difference, they had to be very creative and consistent in the way that they communicated. No matter how exhausted Emma was at the end of each day (and as a mother of four, she had reason to be tired!), she sat down every night and wrote to him. It reminded her that they were going through this separation for a reason, and it made her feel connected.

She said one of the main benefits of the writing was that they each shared appreciation for what the other was going through – though there wasn’t a FIX, the fact that they communicated in this way kept her afloat during the separation. She’d share little stories about the kids, and he often thanked her for all that she was doing in his absence. It was a very positive experience and they saved all those emails. He even sent roses, which meant the world to her.

In my experience, the couples that take the time to communicate effectively have easier moves and are better able to get their personal and collective family needs met.

Relocation Depression

Even experienced relocators can find themselves sinking into a depression. Judy, an executive’s wife who had already moved five times to support her husband’s career, fell into a deep depression on move number six. Many things contributed to her depression, including moving to a brand new climate that she hated, downsizing from a large home to a condo, leaving her kids behind in their colleges, and leaving a teaching job she had taken years to perfect.

She was normally a highly motivated individual who prided herself in motivating others – so when she was having trouble leaving her house, she felt she had no one to turn to. Her husband had never seen this side of her, and though he was a tremendous supporter, he was unable to help her on his own.

After lying on the sofa for nine months, gaining 40 pounds and crying so hard and often her face peeled from the salt of her tears, she reached out to find a therapist. Therapy helped her get back on her feet and put support systems in place and she’s in a much better place now.

Twenty years later, I asked Judy her advice for another young woman going through a similar experience. She recommended telling others about your depression as quickly as you can so they can help you, even if that means making your therapy appointment for you.

Judy’s situation was truly extreme and quite rare. However, her advice to keep communication fluid will help prevent a similar situation and address relocation depression in all its forms.

If you find yourself hesitant to reach out, try putting yourself in the shoes of your supporters. When someone you love is having a difficult time, don’t you appreciate the opportunity to help?

Set the Stage for Your Move

Corporate relocations most always include help from a relocation company and they will assist you with scheduling the movers, packing, closing, etc. While this is wonderful in terms of managing the physical work, it is your internal landscape that often falls apart – and no one but you can see the boxes piled up in your emotional body.

So how can you better prepare your internal landscape?

I recommend you set the stage for your move.

You may not realize the myriad of emotions you will soon be experiencing, if you aren’t already, especially if this is your first corporate relocation. That’s why the first step in this process is to acknowledge that moving is considered to be one of the top 10 stressors in life. Like any other major life change, it requires planning. Planning WILL help you feel more in control, and less in chaos.

Here are some ideas for how to approach your relocation by laying a good foundation for your move.

Set intentions

Get clear about how you want this move to progress. If it’s difficult to think of what you do want, start with what you don’t want. List your greatest concerns, fears and dreads about the relocation process.

Here is an example of how my client Beth used this process. First, she listed her top concerns:

• I’m afraid I will run around blindly trying to get things done.


• I’m afraid I’ll stay as cranky as I am now – rude to my family and my husband.


• I’m afraid the house won’t sell.


• I’m afraid I will live in constant clutter.


• I’m afraid I will miss my workouts, my vitamins and my massages.


• I’m afraid I will not get enough sleep.


• I’m afraid I will feel displaced, neither here nor there.


• I’m afraid I will lose touch with my friends.

From this list of fears, we created a list of desires:

• I create a manageable “to do” list and move through each step calmly.


• I am easygoing throughout this process and treat my family well.


• The house sells quickly and with ease.


• Our home is organized fairly well.


• My self-care keeps me healthy – I exercise, eat well, take my vitamins and get massages.


• I get enough sleep.


• I remain present and positive – appreciating this home and community while planning for the next.


• My friendships are lifelong and transcend geography.

Beth immediately felt the fear dissipate and was excited by the feeling of empowerment. In fact, she kept this list with her on her iPhone to reference when she was feeling vulnerable.

Be gentle with yourself

Be gentle with yourself as you live in this unknown place. You likely have your feet in two worlds right now – the familiar place you’ve called home for a period of time and the new location to which you are heading. It’s normal to feel lost and a bit unsettled.

Do whatever you can to nurture yourself through this time of the unknown. There is much richness in this space you are in and with conscious awareness and by processing your feelings, you will glide through this time with greater ease.

By setting the stage and your intentions, and by staying gentle with yourself through the process, you can feel more prepared for your upcoming move.