Separation Due to Relocation

When your spouse or life partner is living in another city for a period of time during your relocation, you find yourself saying farewell on a weekly basis. The first few times that happens can be particularly painful if you are not prepared. You may experience unexpected feelings of abandonment and loss.

It can be very helpful to take time to discuss the weekly departures with your spouse/partner so that you avoid last-minute meltdowns. While it is perfectly okay and understandable to have an emotional storm come out of the blue, it may help you feel more settled if you are able to process the grief more thoroughly.

I recommend creating a goodbye ritual that you adhere to no matter what, such as:

• Handwritten notes tucked into his suitcase or her pillow.

• Each partner keeping a talisman of sorts – a special rock with a word written on it that symbolizes union or strength.

• A certain quote or phrase that infuses hope, strength and connection, that can be spoken to one another at parting, e.g.,“ Our love and connection crosses state lines.”

Being able to keep in touch via cell phone, Skype video calls, and texting can all make weekly goodbyes much less painful. The goal is to keep these connections thriving.

Moving with Gratitude

A shop owner was sorting through her Thanksgiving wares at the heart of a thriving town.  A breathless woman nearly ran up to her booth, jostling her table filled with fresh turkeys, and began a conversation,

“Hello, I’m relocating to this area at the very worst time – during the holidays.  I’m exhausted and just have no time to make a big Thanksgiving meal, but feel I must.”

The shop owner took a deep breath in, smiled softly, and nodded understandingly.

“I would feel better if I could know a little bit about the people in this town. I can not stop worrying about whether or not I will fit in. What are they like?”

The shop owner asked, “Well, let me ask you a question, what were the people like in the town that you moved from?”

With a sigh, the woman answered, “They were always rushing around, too busy to get to know me or my family very well.  I always felt like they didn’t have time to even stop for a cup of coffee.”

“Hmmm…that’s interesting,” said the shop owner.  I believe you will find the people in this town to be exactly the same way.

The woman walked away with slumped shoulders and a dejected look on her face…..not even taking a moment to wish the shop owner a Happy Thanksgiving.

A while later, another woman slowly approached the shop owners booth, with a broad smile and warm eyes.  After greeting her, she shared that she was brand new to the area, and just wanted to get a sense of the town.

“I’m wondering what the people are like in this town,” she asked.  "I can’t wait to make new friends and connections. Can you tell me a little bit about them?”

“Well, first tell me, what were the people like in your previous town?” asked the shop owner.

With a look of happy nostalgia, the woman replied,  “ Oh they were simply wonderful!  Always willing to help, listen when you needed to be heard and truly great people.”

The shop owner told her that she would find the people in this town to be exactly the same.    And then she offered her a newcomers discount on a turkey of her choice.

Laughing, the woman said, “Oh thank you so much, but I’ve hired someone to cook us a lovely meal in our new home.  The first holiday dinner in a new house should be stress-free and full of love and connection.”

As a Relocating Spouse, Do You feel Like a Ghost?

Gwen feels invisible. She’s a client of mine (not her real name, of course) – who shared with me that this Halloween is particularly painful.  When I asked her what she’d wear to represent her current state of mind, she replied, “A ghost costume.”

Her kids will be trick-or-treating for the last time in their beloved neighborhood of 10 years, and she’s doing her best to make sure this final one is memorable.  Preparations for the family’s impending relocation make this a very hectic holiday, but she’s determined to keep all the plates spinning.

Gwen's husband feels right at home in his new company, he's been through a few board meetings now, and is navigating the office complex with ease.  His support system is firmly in place.

She trusts that their kids will adjust to their new schools in a short period of time – in fact, they’ve already made a few Facebook friends there.

Gwen, however, hasn’t taken any time to ensure her own smooth assimilation.  She’s managing new insurance plans, gathering paperwork for mortgages, pulling together vaccine records for the kid’s schools; in short, her to-do list feels endless.

In our coaching sessions, I encourage Gwen to put herself on the calendar.  Together, we identify what she can do right now that will keep her in balance.  This includes her unique self-care routine, as well as setting up her own support system in the new location.

It’s incredibly important for the executive spouse to till the soil of her internal landscape, rather than to solely be focusing on the external.

If you’re also spending your last Halloween in your longtime neighborhood before your big move, I hope these suggestions ease your pain and remind you of the importance of your own self-care.