Moving a Middle Schooler

An experienced relocator, my client Ruth (not her real name) thought move #4 would be easy.

Not so much.

This move contained an element not present before – a middle-school girl. The first three moves took place before her daughter had started kindergarten. That fact negated all prior learnings. In fact, it made this move harder for her than any before, and any since.

What made it especially tragic was that her daughter, let’s call her Jenny, had just hit her stride.  She’d always been a very reserved girl, and it took her over a year to find her group in middle school. Halfway through 6^th grade, she was happy on all levels – had a solid, good circle of friends, a dance studio she loved, was able to babysit neighborhood kids, and was experiencing independence for the first time.

Ruth dreaded sharing the news, and put it off for probably longer than she should, but had to tell Jenny unexpectedly one day right after school. An announcement had been printed in the city paper regarding her Dad’s leaving the local company, and Ruth did not want anyone else telling her.

(In hindsight, Ruth realizes her husband should have come home to be part of this conversation. See this post for more relocation communication tips.)

Ruth counts this day as one of her saddest as a mother. She tried to do it right, choosing the most peaceful room in the house. She asked Jenny to join her there as soon as she came in from school. When she told her that they were moving, Ruth reports literally sensing a part of her daughter’s soul slip out the windows. Ruth herself remembers going numb, not thawing out until roughly a full year after the move.

Jenny, in typical 13-year-old girl fashion, cried and raged and slammed the door so hard that a picture fell off the wall, shattering glass everywhere. Ruth keeps that picture unframed to always remind her to be grateful for how her daughter has grown in independence as a result of the relocations.

Having done this before, Ruth was skilled at creating closure with her friends. Ruth used this experience to do her best to create middle school closure – sleepovers, a special quilt with all the girls pictures in the squares, ice cream, cakes, presents, poems, scrapbooks, videos and more. However, no amount of preparation could prevent the pain that was destined to come.

While she expected her daughter to grieve, she was not prepared for how much significant grieving would take place AFTER the move. Unlike adults, 13 year olds typically live in the moment and don’t have an ability to anticipate what is coming. The only way to get through something like this is to go through it – together.