All Grieving is Not Created Equal

Dee Bailey, MA, CPCC, Life Transition & Grief Coach, guides and mentors people experiencing grief. She has an illuminating model that she created as a part of her master’s degree work that breaks down the many kinds of grieving.

There are four quadrants, where in the upper left quadrant there is Chosen/Elected Change, in the upper right quadrant there is Visible Change, in the bottom left quadrant there is Not Chosen Change, and the bottom right quadrant there is Invisible Change.

CHOSEN / ELECTED CHANGE	VISIBLE CHANGE
NOT CHOSEN CHANGE	INVISIBLE CHANGE

Dee explained that how we support people who are grieving can vary greatly, depending on where the loss falls in one of more of these quadrants.

Losses that we did not choose, and which are visible and obvious e.g., a death, a job loss, or a spouse asking for divorce, are much easier for others to relate to and support.

When you lose a spouse to an illness or accident, that is a situation that you did not choose and it is very visible. This unplanned, visible event elicits much support from everyone. There are entire books on the topic, Hallmark cards specially designed for this, support groups and more.

In contrast, if we quit a job or leave a relationship, support is often lessened because others may feel the situation is our own doing.

When an executive family makes the conscious choice to relocate (usually for a better opportunity), that falls under the category of invisible loss. It’s the dynamic of choice that changes the reactions of others to the experience. That’s when the grief becomes invisible too. There’s not much sympathy for a loss that you chose.

Dee facilitates grief support groups, and once had a request from a woman who had relocated to join her group. “We moved here because my husband accepted a new position. I’m grieving leaving my home and all my friends out East. No one here understands or supports me. I have no one to share my journey with – no one gets that I’m grieving. “

Good support is a critical factor in healing from losses of any kind, but it’s difficult to grieve losses that cannot be shared. If you are feeling lost in your new community as a result of your relocation, your grief is just as real. Consider finding a local grief support group and get the help you deserve.