Relocating As An Empty Nester

Moving with children who need to change school systems and leave community groups like soccer, band and dance, can cause major angst in the family.

For example, one of my clients shared that her 8^th grade son spent several months eating his lunch in the bathroom when their family moved from one state to another. He didn’t tell her this until many years later, and as she told it to me I could hear the tears and guilt behind her words – even though this young man is now 30 years old.


When you have no children, or your children are fully grown, out of the home, and not involved in the move, you won’t have to be concerned about whether the kids will make friends in the new school system or be quarterback on the new football team.


However, you’ll have different challenges. Many families create their communities from their children. When attending sports games, band concerts or school events, friendships among parents start as quickly as among children. So without children, it can take longer to create a support system in a new location.


I’ve gathered some advice from empty nesting relocators to make it easier to assimilate into your new location:

1)   Get involved a local charity like a food bank

2)   Start a book club

3)   Enroll in a class at a local college

4)   Learn something new like yoga or biking

5)   Take good care of you by beginning a new self-care program

6)   Nourish your marriage by getting involved in activities you could not do if kids were around

7)   Travel with friends


Relocating as an empty nester, or for those without children, presents its own unique challenges. Take these steps to build a new supportive community where you and your partner can thrive.

Top 10 Gifts of Relocation

Sarah has moved eight times in her adult life. When we sat down to talk she had just completed what she thinks will be her final move – this time as an empty nester.

Though she has owned homes all over the country, Sarah confirmed that any move is somewhat traumatic – even if you’re just moving across town. However, what I call PTMS (post-traumatic move syndrome) is not a part of her story. In fact, she has 10 positive things to report about her nomadic lifestyle.

1)   Reinvention – Sarah calls herself inherently shy, but cultivated a much stronger personality as a result of her moves.

2)   Forward motion – In the midst of a move, there’s no time for lamenting.

3)   Strength of family unit – “We had to have each other’s back,” Sarah shared. They didn’t have a grandma or aunt down the street to could call on. As a result, this deepened the bond of their family unit.

4)   Increased resourcefulness – She learned how to create communities instantly and make connections with key members of the school systems.

5)   More openness to other cultures – Her kids got to see a bigger world than they ever would have experienced had they remained in their small town.

6)   College assimilation – For both her kids, going away to college was a breeze. They had already developed skills that other kids often don’t. They didn’t experience the stress and discomfort that so many freshman do.

7)  Good self-care – Since she had no close relatives, she couldn’t afford to not take care of herself. She is proud of her ability to practice this skill and recognize its value.

8)   Wide job experience – She loved being employed by many different companies, as she enjoys the challenge of learning new things. Her resume is full and varied.

9)   Self-reliance – Without what she calls “ the security blanket of friends,” she needed to get comfortable going to movies and museums by herself. This has been a great experience in independence for her.

10)  Deeper faith - Though she always had a strong connection to her faith, she drew upon it even more and said she never felt alone, even if she didn't know her neighbors.  Her prayer practice increased.

In a future post, I’ll write more about the unique challenges and benefits about moving as an empty nester.

A Recommended Relocation Resource

When a family goes through a relocation, there are many services to help. Moving companies. Real estate agents. Mortgage brokers. Each entity is skilled in their area of expertise and all are needed.

I recently had the opportunity to visit the team at NRI Relocation – a company that is truly dedicated to making the relocation experience for their clients very smooth and easy. The purpose of our time together was for me to learn more about what they do and for them to more fully understand the emotional needs of a family as they relocate.

I could see that the entire NRI team had the same desire – to help their clients go through this challenging time by feeling supported and empowered. Each person on staff greeted me warmly and enthusiastically and were very interested in learning all they could about what I offer so that they could serve their clients more fully.

The camaraderie between all was what really struck me. They clearly supported one another in achieving their common goal. I could tell right away that they handled their clients with that same focused warmth and attention. Though they are a full service corporate relocation management company serving U.S. domestic and globally transferred employees, one of their main philosophies is that relocation is all about people. Therefore their clients are treated with special attention – no details are missed. Yes, they want to maximize the ROI of their clients’ relocation program investment – but most of all, they care.

Here is one my favorite quotes they share that represents their philosophy:

“A successful relocation is one in which the employee remains focused and stress-free, and can pick up their new job responsibilities quickly and efficiently. Incorporating meaningful relocation benefits with responsive, personalized assistance and expert resources ensure transferring employees will feel good about their decisions, happy about their move, and valued as an employee.”

After meeting this team, I can honestly say that they walk their talk and would be an asset to anyone seeking relocation assistance.

Click below to watch a video interview with me and Susan Bender, CEO of NRI Relocation, as she seeks to learn more about the relocation experience of the executive spouse. Our conversation speaks volumes about this company’s dedication to serve not just the relocating employee but the spouse as well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwMUpwAmA94

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Relocation

Relocating executives commonly want to support and help their spouse during a move. They realize they’ve created this situation, and they want to give her what she needs to thrive and prosper in their new location.

To help you help her, let’s look at this situation through the lens of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Maslow’s theory is that basic needs must be met before one can address needs at a higher level. During a relocation, one’s most basic needs like shelter are feeling threatened.

All too often, once the closing papers are signed, the expectation is that the first level of the pyramid is satisfied. Though the threat is not real (there IS a new home to move into, she is warm enough, and she has food and water), there can be an irrational fear of feeling like nowhere is home. Of feeling displaced.

If not addressed, this fear can impact her ability to move forward and ever feel at home and safe in the new location. Remember that she may not always be aware that these needs are feeling threatened – it’s up to you to be communicative and proactively check in with questions about how she is feeling – not just inquires about tactile moving issues. If you notice that she seems especially depressed, scattered, angry or withdrawn, take time to communicate.

To help alleviate her fears, it’s important to honor and recognize the feeling of not being safe and encourage her to talk through it. Suggest ideas to make the temporary housing or new home feel like “home.”

Once basic needs are met, and only then, your spouse and family can comfortably begin to experience psychological health and achieve assimilation in the new neighborhood. Ultimately, the goal is to be in the new zip code and begin to experience true fulfillment – the pinnacle of Maslow’s model.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. At Holistic Relo I use a similar 5-step process to help families understand the psychological ramifications of relocation.

All Grieving is Not Created Equal

Dee Bailey, MA, CPCC, Life Transition & Grief Coach, guides and mentors people experiencing grief. She has an illuminating model that she created as a part of her master’s degree work that breaks down the many kinds of grieving.

There are four quadrants, where in the upper left quadrant there is Chosen/Elected Change, in the upper right quadrant there is Visible Change, in the bottom left quadrant there is Not Chosen Change, and the bottom right quadrant there is Invisible Change.

CHOSEN / ELECTED CHANGE	VISIBLE CHANGE
NOT CHOSEN CHANGE	INVISIBLE CHANGE

Dee explained that how we support people who are grieving can vary greatly, depending on where the loss falls in one of more of these quadrants.

Losses that we did not choose, and which are visible and obvious e.g., a death, a job loss, or a spouse asking for divorce, are much easier for others to relate to and support.

When you lose a spouse to an illness or accident, that is a situation that you did not choose and it is very visible. This unplanned, visible event elicits much support from everyone. There are entire books on the topic, Hallmark cards specially designed for this, support groups and more.

In contrast, if we quit a job or leave a relationship, support is often lessened because others may feel the situation is our own doing.

When an executive family makes the conscious choice to relocate (usually for a better opportunity), that falls under the category of invisible loss. It’s the dynamic of choice that changes the reactions of others to the experience. That’s when the grief becomes invisible too. There’s not much sympathy for a loss that you chose.

Dee facilitates grief support groups, and once had a request from a woman who had relocated to join her group. “We moved here because my husband accepted a new position. I’m grieving leaving my home and all my friends out East. No one here understands or supports me. I have no one to share my journey with – no one gets that I’m grieving. “

Good support is a critical factor in healing from losses of any kind, but it’s difficult to grieve losses that cannot be shared. If you are feeling lost in your new community as a result of your relocation, your grief is just as real. Consider finding a local grief support group and get the help you deserve.

Balancing the CEO Family

Some would say there’s a lot of ego and dysfunction in the corporate world, especially among those at high levels. One of my life passions – the reason I do what I do with executive relocation coaching – is to provide a healthy, confidential and structured space for relocating families to process all of the emotions that arise during the transition.

Holistic Relo helps them slow down amidst the race of finding a new home, new schools, new doctors, etc., so that what matters (connection with family, life balance, self-care) doesn’t get lost in the move and never get found again.

Serial relocations can led to permanent disconnections from what really matters in life; the focus can shift to titles and promotions versus relationships and life balance. It’s all too easy to for an imbalance to occur within the individuals and within a marriage.

For example, the first time I met with Gail, the wife of a CEO, she expressed concern about her son’s opinion of her. She was convinced that he didn’t value her role in the family unit, pretty sure that he thought her husband, his dad, contributed more heavily to the family and perhaps even to the world, then she did. “He doesn’t get me,” she said, “he doesn’t value what I do.” Gail generously gave of her time and heart to many organizations in a volunteer capacity and she imagined her son devalued it all.

It took some time and coaching to uncover that the sad truth was that Gail also didn’t value herself and her role in the family and in the marriage. She viewed her husband’s large paycheck as “his” and not a shared accomplishment.

Part of the relocation coaching process involves taking a look at a couple’s communication style and frequency. When I met with Gail and her husband Jeff, we discovered a real lack of understanding on each side.

What the coaching process allowed Gail to access was how incredibly valuable she was to her husband, her son and the world. What an incredibly strong woman she was. Managing three relocations with two small children, virtually on her own (her husband went on ahead each time to begin the new position), allowed her husband to readily accept these new jobs and succeed at higher and higher levels. While he focused on professional performance, she maintained life balance at home.  A simple reset of the shared contributions to the family really helped.

While it took time to fully accept the promotion, embracing the CEO within herself allowed Gail to equally weigh her role to that of her husband’s. The coaching process and tools, and a willingness to dedicate time to use them, opened their eyes in new ways and rebalanced their family.

A Relocation State of Mind

An astonishing 35.9 million U.S. residents relocated between 2012 and 2013, according to U.S. Census Bureau reports. That’s 11.7 percent of all Americans!

United Van Lines' Annual Migration Study tracks the states its customers move to and from during the course of the year. After four straight years as runner-up, in 2013 Oregon finally made it to the winner’s circle as the top moving destination of 2013. And after 16 consecutive years as one of the top states people left, Michigan now shows much more balanced numbers.

As interesting as these statistics may be as you compare your own moves (for example, I just moved out of the #2 most-exited state in the country – Illinois), these external results are not what I’m most concerned with.

As Audrey McCollum found while doing research for her one-of-a-kind book, The Trauma of Moving, “Moving was viewed from the exterior. There seemed a dearth of material exploring moving from the interior; that is, moving as subjectively experienced by the mover while it was being lived.”

Since moving is such an emotional experience, it’s important for those who are relocated to feel justified in their grief or stressful feelings. Just because our culture has not yet given credence to this dynamic, does not make it unimportant.

In my own upcoming book, We’re Moving Where? Hit the Ground Running in the Board Room and Family Room, I am striving to educate on topics beyond moving and geography.

As I look at the migration study results, I wonder how many of these moves were a conscious choice, versus a corporate relocation that dictated your new zip code with no input from you. If you’ve had to move to a state you didn’t embrace, my congratulations to you for making it through and finding a way to call it home.

Moving In

The top inbound states of 2013 were:

1. Oregon


2. South Carolina


3. North Carolina


4. District of Columbia


5. South Dakota


6. Nevada


7. Texas


8. Colorado

Moving Out 

The top outbound states for 2013 were:

1. New Jersey


2. Illinois


3. New York


4. West Virginia


5. Connecticut


6. Utah


7. Kentucky


8. Massachusetts


9. New Mexico